1Anger sends people back to the thing they had stopped, and the thing they had stopped makes the anger worse. Any plan that treats these as two separate projects tends to come apart.
Write anger into the relapse plan by name, alongside the parties, the old friends and the difficult anniversary. Then when you look at the anger, ask what had been drunk or taken in the days around each flare. Both questions belong on the same page. It is rarely that someone lacked willpower on the day, it is that each half of the loop keeps quietly restocking the other.
Islamic evidence
Do not follow Satan's footsteps, for he is your sworn enemy (Quran 2:168). Footsteps is the right word for it, since neither of these ever arrives all at once.
“People, eat what is good and lawful from the earth, and do not follow Satan’s footsteps, for he is your sworn enemy”
Qur'an 2:168
Psychological evidence
In a laboratory aggression task with 69 couples, intoxication acted as a disinhibitor and amplified the effect of anger rumination on aggression towards a partner. The two did not merely add up, one made the other bigger. It was a lab task with a modest sample, so it supports the shape of the loop rather than telling you how tight it gets in a real household.
Watkins LE, DiLillo D, Maldonado RC. (2015). Psychology of addictive behaviors : journal of the Society of Psychologists in Addictive Behaviors · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Each of the two makes the other more likely, so working on only one leaves the wheel turning.
When not to. If use is heavy or daily, treat it as a medical matter first and get proper advice before changing anything.
Feedback
none yet2If you are around people constantly and falling out with them constantly, a quiet weekend on your own may do more for your temper than any conversation will.
Company loses its flavour when there is never a break in it, and irritation fills the gap. A deliberate stretch alone, a day or a weekend, lets you miss people again. Come back on purpose rather than drifting back, and notice how much more room you have for the person you were snapping at on Friday.
Islamic evidence
He watered their flocks for them, withdrew into the shade, and prayed (Quran 28:24). Moses helps and then steps back into the shade, so the stepping back belongs to the pattern rather than breaking it.
“He watered their flocks for them, withdrew into the shade, and prayed, ‘My Lord, I am in dire need of whatever good thing You may send me,’”
Qur'an 28:24
Psychological evidence
The research here is about the practice rather than the solitude. A wait-list randomised trial found that a loving-kindness programme reduced self-criticism in 38 highly self-critical people, so time set aside deliberately for a warmth practice has some support. That was a small trial in a particular group, and nothing in it says that being alone helps by itself.
Shahar B, Szsepsenwol O, Zilcha-Mano S, Haim N, Zamir O, Levi-Yeshuvi S, Levit-Binnun N. (2015). Clinical psychology & psychotherapy · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Time apart restores the appetite for company that constant contact wears down.
When not to. If you already tend to withdraw when things get hard, or you are low and avoiding people, this one is not for you: reach for company instead.
Feedback
none yet3Time alone can be a good idea or a dangerous one, and the difference is what sits underneath it. If you are already low, already dodging people, or drinking on your own, a plan to see fewer people is the wrong plan.
Ask honestly which one this is. Stepping back from a crowded, quarrelsome week is one thing. Disappearing because you cannot face anybody is another, and it gets heavier the longer it runs. Tell one person what you are doing and when you will surface, so somebody knows to come looking.
Islamic evidence
and do not chide the one who asks for help (Quran 93:10). Asking is treated as ordinary and worth answering gently, which is worth remembering when you are deciding to go quiet instead.
“and do not chide the one who asks for help”
Qur'an 93:10
Psychological evidence
An open pilot of loving-kindness meditation in veterans with post-traumatic stress found improvements in symptoms, in depression, in self-compassion and in mindfulness, though with no control group the results only point a direction. What was tested there is a practice of turning towards warmth. That is worth holding in mind before anyone prescribes themselves solitude.
Kearney DJ, Malte CA, McManus C, Martinez ME, Felleman B, Simpson TL. (2013). Journal of traumatic stress · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Being cut off is one of the things that makes a bad patch worse, so nobody should walk into it without noticing.
When not to. If you are having thoughts of ending your life, contact your doctor or a crisis line today rather than making any plan alone.