1Four steps you can do in ten seconds in the middle of anything: stop, take one breath, look at what is actually happening, then carry on.
It fits inside an argument, a shopping queue, the second before you send a message you will regret. The value is not the breath itself, it is the gap. You have put a moment between what happened and what you do about it. Practise it a few times when nothing is going wrong, so that it is there when something is.
Islamic evidence
remember your Lord inwardly, in all humility and awe (Quran 7:205). An inward turn nobody else can see is treated as real practice, which is exactly what a ten second pause is.
“[Prophet], remember your Lord inwardly, in all humility and awe, without raising your voice, in the mornings and in the evenings- do not be one of the heedless”
Qur'an 7:205
Psychological evidence
Pooling 306 experiments, a meta-analysis of emotion regulation found that strategies changing what you attend to, or how you read a situation, worked better than trying to suppress a feeling once it had arrived. The looking step is doing the first kind of work rather than the second. That review pooled laboratory tasks, so it supports the principle rather than this particular four step sequence.
Webb TL, Miles E, Sheeran P. (2012). Psychological bulletin · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A short pause is enough to let something other than the first impulse arrive.
Feedback
none yet2There was a moment when the urge came up and you watched it instead of acting. Notice that, mark the date if you can, because that is your proof it is possible.
People chasing this skill often think they have never managed it, when in fact they did it last Thursday in a car park and never counted it. Name the moment out loud: I felt it, I did not do it, I am still here. One clear instance is worth more than any amount of encouragement, because the next attempt gets built on it.
Islamic evidence
He would have succumbed to her if he had not seen evidence of his Lord (Quran 12:24). The interruption landed inside the moment, which is exactly the kind of moment worth remembering as a precedent.
“She made for him, and he would have succumbed to her if he had not seen evidence of his Lord- We did this in order to keep evil and indecency away from him, for he was truly one of Our chosen servants”
Qur'an 12:24
Psychological evidence
In a brain stimulation experiment, disrupting a region involved in holding back impulses increased both impulsive movement and retaliation after provocation, which supports the idea of a narrow window in which holding back is genuinely possible. When you did not act, you were using that capacity rather than getting lucky. It was a small laboratory study of one brain region, not a study of real restraint in real arguments.
Dambacher F, Sack AT, Lobbestael J, Arntz A, Brugman S, Schuhmann T. (2015). Social cognitive and affective neuroscience · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Having done it once, even by accident, is the strongest reason to believe you can do it again.
Feedback
none yet3If you held back at four o'clock and then snapped at seven, the holding back still happened. A later slip does not reach backwards and cancel it.
All or nothing scoring is the quickest route from one lapse to giving the whole thing up: I lost it, so none of it was working, so why bother. Count the other way instead, and treat each success as a precedent that stands on its own. You now have proof you can do it, which you did not have yesterday.
Islamic evidence
Whenever you forget, remember your Lord and say, 'May my Lord guide me closer to what is right' (Quran 18:24). Forgetting is assumed, and the way back is written into the instruction.
“without adding, ‘God willing,’ and, whenever you forget, remember your Lord and say, ‘May my Lord guide me closer to what is right.’”
Qur'an 18:24
Psychological evidence
Cochrane reviewers have looked repeatedly at programmes designed to stop people returning to smoking after they quit, and the most recent update still found limited evidence that these specific additions help. Slipping and starting again is the ordinary picture, even with support in place. That is smoking rather than anger, and it argues for expecting lapses rather than for any particular way of handling them.
Livingstone-Banks J, Norris E, Hartmann-Boyce J, West R, Jarvis M, Hajek P. (2019). The Cochrane database of systematic reviews · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A slip only becomes a collapse if you decide it wiped out everything before it.
Feedback
none yet4If you notice a hard locked stare, in yourself or in the room, look away. Empty space is the safest thing to look at, because it says nothing back.
Two people staring each other down are feeding one another, and each second of it raises both of them. Breaking that needs no words, which matters, because words are the first thing to go when you are this far up. Look at the floor, the window, the space beside them. You can say you are still listening if the silence needs covering.
Islamic evidence
Be patient with what they say (Quran 20:130). Patience is placed exactly where the provocation is, and looking away is what patience looks like in the body.
“so [Prophet] be patient with what they say- celebrate the praise of your Lord, before the rising and setting of the sun, celebrate His praise during the night, and at the beginning and end of the day, so that you may find contentment”
Qur'an 20:130
Psychological evidence
What the evidence to hand can offer is indirect. A meta-analysis of heart rate variability and brain imaging found heart rate variability tracked activity in prefrontal and amygdala circuits, which is why it is used as a readout of how well threat responses are being regulated. Whether breaking a stare shows up on such a measure has not been tested. The move itself comes from clinical practice and from how people ordinarily de-escalate.
Thayer JF, Ahs F, Fredrikson M, Sollers JJ, Wager TD. (2012). Neuroscience and biobehavioral reviews · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A held stare keeps both people alarmed, so stopping it lowers the temperature for both at once.
Feedback
none yet5You do not actually know what they are about to say, or why they did it. Swapping the finished sentence in your head for help me understand costs nothing and changes the whole exchange.
Finishing people's sentences, deciding in advance what they meant, hearing the insult before it has been made: all of it feels like insight and most of it is invention. Ask instead, and ask plainly. Being asked to explain lowers the other person's guard as well, so you get a better answer along with a truer one.
Islamic evidence
He knows all that is in the land and sea. No leaf falls without His knowledge (Quran 6:59). Complete knowledge of what is going on belongs to God, so the honest move with another person is to ask.
“He has the keys to the unseen: no one knows them but Him. He knows all that is in the land and sea. No leaf falls without His knowledge, nor is there a single grain in the darkness of the earth, or anything, fresh or withered, that is not written in a clear…”
Qur'an 6:59
Psychological evidence
In a randomised controlled trial, an attention-based treatment drawing on mindfulness-based cognitive therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy reduced aggression and improved anger coping in autistic school-aged children. Where attention is pointed does seem to matter for how anger goes. The trial did not test asking questions, and the participants were children, so treat this as background support rather than a test of the tip.
Clifford P, Gevers C, Jonkman KM, Boer F, Begeer S. (2022). Autism research : official journal of the International Society for Autism Research · doi
Review detail
Why it works. If you assume you know what someone meant, you end up arguing with a version of them you made up.