1Instead of shutting your eyes, let your gaze go soft and wide: the sky, the far wall, the space above someone's shoulder. Keep them open and let the focus loosen.
Closing your eyes in front of someone reads as walking out of the conversation, and it often makes things worse. A soft open gaze breaks the lock without saying anything about them. You are still there, still facing them, but you are no longer staring down a tunnel, and the whole exchange usually drops a level within a few breaths.
Islamic evidence
It was He who made His tranquillity descend into the hearts of the believers (Quran 48:4). Calm is spoken of as something arriving from outside you, which fits a practice of opening up rather than gripping harder.
“It was He who made His tranquillity descend into the hearts of the believers, to add faith to their faith––the forces of the heavens and earth belong to God; He is all knowing and all wise––”
Qur'an 48:4
Psychological evidence
Gaze practices of this kind come from contemplative traditions rather than from trials. The nearest studied relative is tai chi, where a review found reduced stress, anxiety and depression and improved mood, while noting that most included trials were of low methodological quality. Slow contemplative practices look helpful in general; this particular use of the eyes has not been tested.
Wang C, Bannuru R, Ramel J, Kupelnick B, Scott T, Schmid CH. (2010). BMC complementary and alternative medicine · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Letting the eyes widen out takes away the fixed stare that both people were feeding.
Feedback
none yet2If you notice a hard locked stare, in yourself or in the room, look away. Empty space is the safest thing to look at, because it says nothing back.
Two people staring each other down are feeding one another, and each second of it raises both of them. Breaking that needs no words, which matters, because words are the first thing to go when you are this far up. Look at the floor, the window, the space beside them. You can say you are still listening if the silence needs covering.
Islamic evidence
Be patient with what they say (Quran 20:130). Patience is placed exactly where the provocation is, and looking away is what patience looks like in the body.
“so [Prophet] be patient with what they say- celebrate the praise of your Lord, before the rising and setting of the sun, celebrate His praise during the night, and at the beginning and end of the day, so that you may find contentment”
Qur'an 20:130
Psychological evidence
What the evidence to hand can offer is indirect. A meta-analysis of heart rate variability and brain imaging found heart rate variability tracked activity in prefrontal and amygdala circuits, which is why it is used as a readout of how well threat responses are being regulated. Whether breaking a stare shows up on such a measure has not been tested. The move itself comes from clinical practice and from how people ordinarily de-escalate.
Thayer JF, Ahs F, Fredrikson M, Sollers JJ, Wager TD. (2012). Neuroscience and biobehavioral reviews · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A held stare keeps both people alarmed, so stopping it lowers the temperature for both at once.