1Say it plainly whenever you teach anything: the way I am showing you this is not the way it has to be done. Change it until it works for you.
Anyone who has failed at the standard version of something several times will not try again unless they are told clearly that adapting it is allowed. Without that, the first awkward attempt simply confirms what they already believe about themselves. Give the permission before they start rather than afterwards, and ask later what they changed. What comes back is often better than what you offered.
Islamic evidence
God does not burden any soul with more than He has given it (Quran 65:7). What is asked is fitted to the person, so fitting a practice to a person is in good company.
“and let the wealthy man spend according to his wealth. But let him whose provision is restricted spend according to what God has given him: God does not burden any soul with more than He has given it- after hardship, God will bring ease”
Qur'an 65:7
Psychological evidence
In a randomised trial, brief mindfulness after a stressor raised heart rate variability in ordinary participants but not in people high in maladaptive perfectionism. The same practice, delivered the same way, did different things to different people. It is one study of one trait, and it is reasonable grounds for holding any protocol loosely.
Azam MA, Katz J, Fashler SR, Changoor T, Azargive S, Ritvo P. (2015). International journal of psychophysiology : official journal of the International Organization of Psychophysiology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. People who expect to fail at a technique need to hear there is no wrong way to do it before they will risk trying.
Feedback
none yet2Before someone has said a word, you have often already decided what they are: only here because they were made to come, not really interested, wasting your time. That decision changes how the meeting goes.
The person sent by a court, or pushed into the room by a partner or a manager, walks in already read. Try starting the hour with nothing written: no history of what people like this are usually like, no forecast of how it will end. Notice the moment you catch yourself predicting them, and go back to what they are actually saying. This is as much for anyone meeting a difficult relative as for a clinician.
Islamic evidence
If they turn away, say, God is enough for me: there is no god but Him; I put my trust in Him (Quran 9:129). Even someone turning away is met with trust rather than with a verdict about them.
“If they turn away, [Prophet], say ,‘God is enough for me: there is no god but Him; I put my trust in Him; He is the Lord of the Mighty Throne.’”
Qur'an 9:129
Psychological evidence
In a cross-sectional study using structural equation modelling, higher trait mindfulness went with less anger, hostility and aggression, and lower rumination partly explained the link. The relevant piece is that hostility travels with a habit of mind, which applies to the helper in the room as much as to anybody else. The data were gathered at a single point in time, so this shows what goes together, not what causes what.
Borders A, Earleywine M, Jajodia A. (2010). Aggressive behavior · doi
Review detail
Why it works. People can feel when you have already made your mind up, and they behave like the person you expect.