1If you genuinely cannot remember what you said, that is often true rather than a dodge. Under a big surge of stress the part of the brain that writes the story goes quiet, while the part that records the feeling gets louder.
So you end up with no account of the row and a strong charge attached to the kitchen, the tone of voice, the hour of the night. Arguing over who said what is usually a dead end. Saying I do not remember it, tell me what it was like, is not an evasion as long as you follow it with putting things right.
Islamic evidence
Moses' mother felt a void in her heart (Quran 28:10). A mind under real fear does not work the way it usually does, and that is described without blame.
“The next day, Moses’ mother felt a void in her heart––if We had not strengthened it to make her one of those who believe, she would have revealed everything about him––”
Qur'an 28:10
Psychological evidence
A theoretical review of post-traumatic distress proposed that fear is not the whole story, and that numbing and dissociation form a separate pathway with a different brain pattern behind it. Blankness and gaps are treated in that literature as recognised parts of the picture rather than as signs of lying. It is a model built from other findings, so it is a way of organising the evidence rather than a result in itself.
Lanius RA, Frewen PA, Vermetten E, Yehuda R. (2010). European journal of psychotraumatology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Under heavy stress the system that keeps the narrative and the one that keeps the alarm do not record at the same strength.
When not to. This explains the gap, it does not settle what you owe, so ask the person who was there and take responsibility for the effect either way.
Feedback
none yet2When your reaction is far bigger than the thing that set it off, the honest conclusion is not that you are losing your mind. Something in you learned this response somewhere, quietly, and you were never consulted about it.
The fear of being unstable is what keeps these episodes hidden, and hidden episodes never get worked on. Try saying it plainly to yourself afterwards: that was a learned reaction, it was too big for this, and I would like to find out what it belongs to. Said in that order it stays a puzzle rather than a diagnosis.
Islamic evidence
Man was truly created anxious (Quran 70:19). An anxious baseline is described as part of the human make-up, not as evidence that something has gone wrong with you.
“Man was truly created anxious”
Qur'an 70:19
Psychological evidence
A systematic review found that harsh self-criticism runs across many different conditions rather than belonging to depression alone, behaving as a general vulnerability. Turning on yourself for the reaction is therefore not a neutral act. An early review of compassion-focused therapy found it promising for exactly this group, people driven by shame and self-criticism, while noting the evidence base was still small.
Werner AM, Tibubos AN, Rohrmann S, Reiss N. (2019). Journal of affective disorders · doi
Leaviss J, Uttley L. (2015). Psychological medicine · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Calling yourself broken adds shame on top of fear, and shame is what keeps the whole thing out of sight.
Feedback
none yet3Nobody sat you down and taught you what to be afraid of. You picked it up from whatever happened around you, and you are carrying a set of alarms you never agreed to.
Two things stay true at the same time here. The learning was not your fault, and the response is still yours to handle. Holding both keeps you out of the two ditches, blaming yourself for the whole of it or treating your history as a permit.
Islamic evidence
I do not pretend to be blameless, for man's very soul incites him to evil unless my Lord shows mercy (Quran 12:53). Honesty about the pull and mercy over it arrive in the same sentence.
“I do not pretend to be blameless, for man’s very soul incites him to evil unless my Lord shows mercy: He is most forgiving, most merciful.’”
Qur'an 12:53
Psychological evidence
Among inpatients with substance use disorders, different kinds of childhood abuse were linked to different adult difficulties, with physical abuse in particular associated with aggression and problems regulating emotion. What is learned early does seem to leave specific marks rather than general damage. It was a cross-sectional clinical sample, so it shows the link without establishing that one produced the other.
Banducci AN, Hoffman EM, Lejuez CW, Lejuez CW, Koenen KC, Koenen KC. (2014). Child abuse & neglect · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Knowing where an alarm came from makes it feel less like your character and more like something you can actually change.
Feedback
none yet4The part of you that flares learned to do it without a teacher, at a time when reading danger fast actually mattered. It is out of date now. It was never stupid.
If you can look at the reaction as an old protection rather than a defect, you can retire it without going to war with yourself, and wars with yourself are exhausting and slow. Being that generous about it can feel wrong at first, especially if you were raised to be hard on yourself. It gets easier with repetition, like most of this.
Islamic evidence
Safety to ward off fear (Quran 106:4). Safety is named as a basic provision, and it is what the old reaction was reaching for in its clumsy way.
“who provides them with food to ward off hunger, safety to ward off fear”
Qur'an 106:4
Psychological evidence
A review of attachment research describes how early experiences shape the strategies people bring to threat later on, some escalating distress to pull others closer, others shutting down. Your reaction fits a pattern that made sense somewhere. A meta-analysis across 22 samples also found that fear of receiving compassion or offering it to yourself was strongly associated with poorer mental health, so if kindness towards yourself feels threatening, that is common rather than odd.
Mario Mikulincer; Philip R. Shaver (2012). World Psychiatry · doi
Kirby JN, Day J, Sagar V. (2019). Clinical psychology review · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Something you respect is far easier to change than something you are ashamed of.