1Anger feels righteous while it lasts. The useful moment comes later, when the regret shows up and the story has gone quiet.
Nobody changes course mid-shout, and pressing then only adds fuel. Hours or a day afterwards there is usually a stretch where a person is uncomfortable about what they did and not yet defending it. Conversations started there go somewhere, so it is worth arranging your time to be around for it rather than a fortnight later.
Islamic evidence
but then he cried out in the deep darkness, there is no God but You, glory be to You, I was wrong (Quran 21:87). Yunus went off angry and the turn came afterwards, in the dark, not in the storming off.
“And remember the man with the whale,when he went off angrily, thinking We could not restrict him, but then he cried out in the deep darkness, ‘There is no God but You, glory be to You, I was wrong.’”
Qur'an 21:87
Psychological evidence
Work developing a standard measure of guilt and shame proneness separates guilt about an action from shame about the self, and shows the two predict different behaviour, with guilt the one tied to putting things right. So the bad feeling after an outburst is not all one thing, and which sort it is matters for what happens next. This was measure development in general samples, not a study of when to time a session.
Cohen TR, Wolf ST, Panter AT, Insko CA. (2011). Journal of personality and social psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Being uneasy about what you did is what makes doing it differently feel worth the trouble.
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none yet2To react is to act again. Some of what fires in you belongs to an older scene, and the person in front of you has simply walked into it.
This is not a way of excusing what you do, it is a way of aiming the work. When a reaction is far bigger than the moment deserves, ask what it reminds you of rather than who is at fault here. The heat often drops on its own, because you stop needing this person to admit to something they never did.
Islamic evidence
God does not change the condition of a people [for the worse] unless they change what is in themselves (Quran 13:11). Change is described as beginning on the inside, which is where an old reaction lives.
“each person has guardian angels before him and behind, watching over him by God’s command. God does not change the condition of a people [for the worse] unless they change what is in themselves, but if He wills harm on a people, no one can ward it off–– apart…”
Qur'an 13:11
Psychological evidence
In laboratory experiments, recalling an anger-provoking event was not the problem in itself. Turning it over and over prolonged the anger and raised blood pressure, while reinterpreting the same memory brought both down. So going back to the source helps when it is looked at freshly and harms when it is only rehearsed.
Ray RD, Wilhelm FH, Gross JJ. (2008). Journal of personality and social psychology · doi
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Why it works. Seeing the old pattern separates it from the present person, so there is less to defend.
When not to. If the older scene is a trauma, this is work for a safe setting with support, not something to open up in the middle of an argument.
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none yet3Some anger arrives with an argument already inside it: that they disrespected you, that this is not how you are meant to be treated. It burns cooler than the sudden kind and it lasts much longer.
Because it is made of a story, it can be handled at the level of the story. What did that gesture actually mean. What would it mean if they were simply tired. Whether one person treating you badly settles anything at all about your worth. Those questions do nothing for a sudden flare, and with this kind they are most of the work.
Islamic evidence
do not let hatred of others lead you away from justice (Quran 5:8). What you feel about how you were treated bends your judgement, and the instruction takes that for granted.
“You who believe, be steadfast in your devotion to God and bear witness impartially: do not let hatred of others lead you away from justice, but adhere to justice, for that is closer to awareness of God. Be mindful of God: God is well aware of all that you do”
Qur'an 5:8
Psychological evidence
In a survey of 335 hospital nurses, rigid beliefs about how other people ought to behave, alongside a habit of dwelling on slights, predicted whether anger came out destructively or got bottled up. Firm expectations of others were part of the machinery. It was cross-sectional and in one profession, so it shows an association rather than a cause.
Ham EM, You MJ. (2018). Workplace health & safety · doi
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Why it works. An insult only stings for as long as you accept its account of you.
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none yet4In a bad moment your attention, your seeing and your remembering all narrow onto the threat. So your memory of the row is a partial recording, and so is theirs.
Worth holding on to before you go back over who said what. Neither of you is necessarily lying when the two accounts differ. Starting with here is what I remember, and I know I was not taking in much of the room, leaves space for their version without giving up the point that actually matters to you.
Islamic evidence
When Moses' anger abated, he picked up the Tablets (Quran 7:154). What was dropped in the heat can be picked up afterwards, which is a fair description of a conversation reopened once you are both calm.
“When Moses’ anger abated, he picked up the Tablets, on which were inscribed guidance and mercy for those who stood in awe of their Lord”
Qur'an 7:154
Psychological evidence
In a set of laboratory experiments, recalling an anger provoking event was not the problem in itself: dwelling on the memory prolonged the anger and raised blood pressure, while reinterpreting the same memory reduced both. How you revisit an incident matters more than whether you revisit it. These were controlled recall tasks with volunteers, not real disputes with someone you love.
Ray RD, Wilhelm FH, Gross JJ. (2008). Journal of personality and social psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. What was recorded badly cannot be recalled well, so treating your memory as proof sets up a fight nobody can win.
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none yet5Most of us rehearse the crushing line we wish we had said. Try spending that same time writing what you would actually like to say next time, and keep it short enough to remember.
Take one real episode from the past week and write two things: what happened, and one sentence you would rather have used. Something like I am getting wound up and I want to sort this out, not win it. Doing this afterwards, in the quiet, means you are never asking yourself to invent a good line while your heart is going.
Islamic evidence
Repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend (Quran 41:34). The better response is named as a thing you reach for, which means it is worth having ready.
“Good and evil cannot be equal. [Prophet], repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend”
Qur'an 41:34
Psychological evidence
In laboratory experiments, recalling an anger provoking event was not the problem in itself: dwelling on it prolonged anger and raised blood pressure, while reinterpreting the same event reduced both. In a separate randomised experiment, forming a specific if then plan in advance reduced how much tempting food people served themselves, which shows a decision made beforehand can carry into the moment. Both are small controlled studies rather than trials of this exact exercise.
Ray RD, Wilhelm FH, Gross JJ. (2008). Journal of personality and social psychology · doi
van Koningsbruggen GM, Veling H, Stroebe W, Aarts H. (2014). British journal of health psychology · doi
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Why it works. Whatever you rehearse gets easier to reach for, so it is worth rehearsing the thing you actually want.
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none yet6Shouting it out does not empty the tank. Going over it loudly, in your head or at somebody, tends to keep the anger topped up rather than draining it.
There is a difference between letting pressure out of the body and rehearsing the grievance. A walk, a swim, hard cleaning, prayer: all of that shifts the physical charge. Retelling the story with heat in your voice, even to a sympathetic friend, is mostly practising the anger one more time.
Islamic evidence
You, soul at peace (Quran 89:27). A settled soul is what is being aimed at, and going over the grievance out loud takes you the other way.
“‘[But] you, soul at peace”
Qur'an 89:27
Psychological evidence
In a set of experimental and cross sectional studies, people who exercised regularly recovered from a laboratory stressor with less rumination, and a single bout of exercise improved recovery. A laboratory stressor is not a family row, and part of the evidence is cross sectional, so the causal claim should stay modest. It points towards moving the body rather than replaying the incident.
Bernstein EE, McNally RJ. (2018). Behaviour research and therapy · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Going back over the episode brings the body up again, so the retelling keeps the state alive.
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none yet7Anger leaves fuel in the body with nowhere to go. Spend it on something physical, without replaying the argument while you do.
This is not getting it off your chest. The target is the surplus energy, so stairs, a brisk walk, or a hard ten minutes of almost anything will do the job. The moment you notice yourself rehearsing what you should have said, bring your attention back to your legs or your breathing. You want to come back tired and quiet, not sharpened.
Islamic evidence
In His mercy He has given you night and day, so that you may rest and seek His bounty and be grateful (Quran 28:73). Exertion and settling are named as parts of one cycle rather than as opposites.
“In His mercy He has given you night and day, so that you may rest and seek His bounty and be grateful.’”
Qur'an 28:73
Psychological evidence
A study using both an experiment and a survey found that regular exercisers ruminated less after a laboratory stressor, and that a single bout of exercise improved recovery. That fits movement as a way through rather than a way round. A laboratory stressor is a mild stand in for a real row, and the survey half cannot tell us which way the arrow runs.
Bernstein EE, McNally RJ. (2018). Behaviour research and therapy · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Movement spends the arousal that anger switched on, and a spent body is much easier to think inside.
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none yet8Follow the chain. The anger points at a fear, and the fear points at what you believe is at stake. That last thing is what you are actually dealing with.
Once it has passed, ask what you were afraid of in that moment, then ask whether the threat was really there. Being spoken over is not the same as being erased, though the body files them together. Do this a few times and you start to know which alarms are worth answering and which you can let ring.
Islamic evidence
He went off angrily, thinking We could not restrict him (Quran 21:87), and what surfaced later in the dark turned out to be something else. Anger is often the first thing to show and rarely the whole of it.
“And remember the man with the whale,when he went off angrily, thinking We could not restrict him, but then he cried out in the deep darkness, ‘There is no God but You, glory be to You, I was wrong.’”
Qur'an 21:87
Psychological evidence
A meta-analysis of imaging studies found that people with histories of childhood maltreatment showed heightened amygdala and wider social-processing responses to threatening cues, consistent with a nervous system tuned to expect danger. If yours learned early that trouble was coming, it will keep calling things threatening that no longer are. The studies pooled quite different groups, so this explains a tendency rather than diagnosing anybody.
Hein TC, Monk CS. (2017). Journal of child psychology and psychiatry, and allied disciplines · doi
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Why it works. Sorting a real threat from a remembered one stops you spending a full defence on something small.