Insights (review) · Inshirah

← All insights Area: anxiety ✕Time: 20 minutes ✕Moment: After conflict ✕2 insights

1Where a child is not attending, the adults are often already cross with each other. That argument has to be parked before any plan will hold.

cbtThe cost of avoiding20 minutesQur'an 11:112

Home thinks the school did not act. The school thinks home is not firm. Both usually have a point, and neither point can be settled quickly enough to help this child this term. Meanwhile a plan applied one way at home and another way at school teaches a young person exactly where the gap is, and they will use it, not from malice but because it is there.

Islamic evidence

So keep to the right course as you have been commanded, together with those who have turned to God with you (Quran 11:112). The word together is carrying real weight in that sentence.

“So keep to the right course as you have been commanded, together with those who have turned to God with you. Do not overstep the limits, for He sees everything you do”

Qur'an 11:112

Psychological evidence

In a worksite trial with 107 distressed employees, acceptance and commitment therapy and stress inoculation training both reduced distress, although they start from quite different premises. It is one trial in one setting and says nothing about who was right about anything. It does suggest that arguing over whose method is correct can matter less than settling on something and doing it consistently.

Flaxman PE, Bond FW. (2010). Behaviour research and therapy · doi

Review detail

Why it works. A plan that two sides apply differently is not one plan, and the child notices the difference before the adults do.

anxietyAfter conflictscholar review pendingadhd-2824-defuse-the-blame-first

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2Try saying it out loud: we can leave who was at fault for another day and both work on getting her back in. Most people accept that offer if nobody has to admit anything.

cbtThe cost of avoiding20 minutesQur'an 2:197

Grievances between families and schools rarely resolve on the timeline a child needs. Naming a goal that sits above the dispute lets everyone move without conceding, and it usually changes the tone of the next meeting more than any evidence either side brought along. Write down the shared goal and the next three practical steps, then send it to both parties so it exists outside the room.

Islamic evidence

There should be no indecent speech, misbehaviour, or quarrelling for anyone undertaking the pilgrimage (Quran 2:197). Quarrelling is set down for the duration of a shared journey, which is close to what is being asked here.

“The pilgrimage takes place during the prescribed months. There should be no indecent speech, misbehaviour, or quarrelling for anyone undertaking the pilgrimage- whatever good you do, God is well aware of it. Provide well for yourselves: the best provision is…”

Qur'an 2:197

Psychological evidence

A questionnaire study found cognitive fusion, being so caught up in your own account that it simply looks like the facts, sitting alongside experiential avoidance between life stress and later anxiety and depression. It is cross-sectional and self-reported, so it maps associations rather than causes. It does give a fair name to what happens in these meetings, where each side is fused to its version and neither can move while that is what is in the room.

Cookson C, Luzon O, Newland J, Kingston J. (2020). Psychology and psychotherapy · doi

Review detail

Why it works. People who cannot agree about the past can usually agree about the next fortnight.

anxietyAfter conflictscholar review pendingadhd-2825-name-the-shared-goal

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