InInshirahislamically integrated self-help
ThemeEquanimity and perspective
Time60 seconds
MomentAfter conflict
1You do not actually know what they are about to say, or why they did it. Swapping the finished sentence in your head for help me understand costs nothing and changes the whole exchange.
MindfulnessEquanimity and perspective60 secondsQur'an 6:59

Finishing people's sentences, deciding in advance what they meant, hearing the insult before it has been made: all of it feels like insight and most of it is invention. Ask instead, and ask plainly. Being asked to explain lowers the other person's guard as well, so you get a better answer along with a truer one.

Islamic evidence

He knows all that is in the land and sea. No leaf falls without His knowledge (Quran 6:59). Complete knowledge of what is going on belongs to God, so the honest move with another person is to ask.

He has the keys to the unseen: no one knows them but Him. He knows all that is in the land and sea. No leaf falls without His knowledge, nor is there a single grain in the darkness of the earth, or anything, fresh or withered, that is not written in a clear…

Qur'an 6:59

Psychological evidence

In a randomised controlled trial, an attention-based treatment drawing on mindfulness-based cognitive therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy reduced aggression and improved anger coping in autistic school-aged children. Where attention is pointed does seem to matter for how anger goes. The trial did not test asking questions, and the participants were children, so treat this as background support rather than a test of the tip.

Clifford P, Gevers C, Jonkman KM, Boer F, Begeer S. (2022). Autism research : official journal of the International Society for Autism Research · doi

Review detail

Why it works. If you assume you know what someone meant, you end up arguing with a version of them you made up.

angerAfter conflictscholar review pendinganger-0861-help-me-understand-instead

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