1When you catch yourself dodging, just note it. Telling yourself off adds shame to a moment that already had plenty going on.
There is a difference between seeing what you did and grading it. Seeing keeps it available as a choice next time, while grading makes you want to stop looking altogether. The same holds if you are helping someone else practise: name what you saw plainly, let them decide what to do with it, and you keep them with you.
Islamic evidence
Be steadfast: your steadfastness comes only from God. Do not grieve over them (Quran 16:127). Steadfastness is described as given rather than manufactured, which takes some sting out of a practice that went badly.
“So [Prophet] be steadfast: your steadfastness comes only from God. Do not grieve over them; do not be distressed by their scheming”
Qur'an 16:127
Psychological evidence
In a randomised trial, adding motivational strategies to a programme for men who had been violent towards partners improved the empathy those programmes set out to build. It supports working with people rather than at them, in a setting where confrontation is the usual instinct. That is a specific population and a specific outcome, so take it as a hint about stance rather than proof about tone.
Romero-Martínez Á, Lila M, Gracia E, Moya-Albiol L. (2019). The British journal of clinical psychology · doi
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Why it works. You can only choose differently about something you are still willing to look at.
Feedback
none yet2When something you thought in the moment actually worked, name it. A line you produced yourself is worth more than any phrase handed to you.
It might be as ordinary as noticing that this person does not know you, or that none of this will matter next week. Write it down while you still remember the exact wording, because the exact wording is what you will reach for next time. Borrowed coping lines tend to evaporate under pressure. Yours tend to stay.
Islamic evidence
Those who are aware of God think of Him when Satan prompts them to do something and immediately they can see [straight] (Quran 7:201). One remembered thought at the right moment is enough to clear the view.
“those who are aware of God think of Him when Satan prompts them to do something and immediately they can see [straight]”
Qur'an 7:201
Psychological evidence
In a laboratory experiment, how people mentally handled a recent anger provoking event, rather than simply whether they went back over it, determined how much anger stayed with them. What you do with the memory is the variable. It was a controlled study of a recalled event, so it points at the mechanism rather than measuring day to day life.
Ray RD, Wilhelm FH, Gross JJ. (2008). Journal of personality and social psychology · doi
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Why it works. A line you came up with yourself is already proven to work on you.
Feedback
none yet3Going silent and hard is not a neutral act. A fixed stare and a set brow land on the other person's body as threat, even though you have not said a word.
People often think they are being restrained when they go cold, and are then surprised by how frightened or defensive the other person becomes. If you have gone quiet because you do not trust what you would say, it costs very little to say that much out loud. Otherwise, soften what your face is doing, or leave the room properly instead of staying in it as a presence.
Islamic evidence
The servants of the Lord of Mercy are those who walk humbly on the earth, and who, when the foolish address them, reply, 'Peace' (Quran 25:63). A plain peaceable word is offered as the answer, and a cold silence is not that.
“The servants of the Lord of Mercy are those who walk humbly on the earth, and who, when the foolish address them, reply, ‘Peace’”
Qur'an 25:63
Psychological evidence
In a randomised controlled trial, training carers of people with dementia in how to handle daily situations improved the carers' skills and reduced aggressive behaviour in the people they were caring for. It shows how much the manner of the person nearby shapes what comes back. Those were carers in a particular and demanding situation, so read it as a reminder rather than a rule for every household.
Huang HL, Kuo LM, Chen YS, Liang J, Huang HL, Chiu YC, Chen ST, Sun Y, Hsu WC, Shyu YI. (2013). The American journal of geriatric psychiatry : official journal of the American Association for Geriatric Psychiatry · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Threat gets read off faces and gaze long before anyone reaches the words.