1To react is to act again. Some of what fires in you belongs to an older scene, and the person in front of you has simply walked into it.
This is not a way of excusing what you do, it is a way of aiming the work. When a reaction is far bigger than the moment deserves, ask what it reminds you of rather than who is at fault here. The heat often drops on its own, because you stop needing this person to admit to something they never did.
Islamic evidence
God does not change the condition of a people [for the worse] unless they change what is in themselves (Quran 13:11). Change is described as beginning on the inside, which is where an old reaction lives.
“each person has guardian angels before him and behind, watching over him by God’s command. God does not change the condition of a people [for the worse] unless they change what is in themselves, but if He wills harm on a people, no one can ward it off–– apart…”
Qur'an 13:11
Psychological evidence
In laboratory experiments, recalling an anger-provoking event was not the problem in itself. Turning it over and over prolonged the anger and raised blood pressure, while reinterpreting the same memory brought both down. So going back to the source helps when it is looked at freshly and harms when it is only rehearsed.
Ray RD, Wilhelm FH, Gross JJ. (2008). Journal of personality and social psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Seeing the old pattern separates it from the present person, so there is less to defend.
When not to. If the older scene is a trauma, this is work for a safe setting with support, not something to open up in the middle of an argument.
Feedback
none yet2In a bad moment your attention, your seeing and your remembering all narrow onto the threat. So your memory of the row is a partial recording, and so is theirs.
Worth holding on to before you go back over who said what. Neither of you is necessarily lying when the two accounts differ. Starting with here is what I remember, and I know I was not taking in much of the room, leaves space for their version without giving up the point that actually matters to you.
Islamic evidence
When Moses' anger abated, he picked up the Tablets (Quran 7:154). What was dropped in the heat can be picked up afterwards, which is a fair description of a conversation reopened once you are both calm.
“When Moses’ anger abated, he picked up the Tablets, on which were inscribed guidance and mercy for those who stood in awe of their Lord”
Qur'an 7:154
Psychological evidence
In a set of laboratory experiments, recalling an anger provoking event was not the problem in itself: dwelling on the memory prolonged the anger and raised blood pressure, while reinterpreting the same memory reduced both. How you revisit an incident matters more than whether you revisit it. These were controlled recall tasks with volunteers, not real disputes with someone you love.
Ray RD, Wilhelm FH, Gross JJ. (2008). Journal of personality and social psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. What was recorded badly cannot be recalled well, so treating your memory as proof sets up a fight nobody can win.
Feedback
none yet3Most of us rehearse the crushing line we wish we had said. Try spending that same time writing what you would actually like to say next time, and keep it short enough to remember.
Take one real episode from the past week and write two things: what happened, and one sentence you would rather have used. Something like I am getting wound up and I want to sort this out, not win it. Doing this afterwards, in the quiet, means you are never asking yourself to invent a good line while your heart is going.
Islamic evidence
Repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend (Quran 41:34). The better response is named as a thing you reach for, which means it is worth having ready.
“Good and evil cannot be equal. [Prophet], repel evil with what is better and your enemy will become as close as an old and valued friend”
Qur'an 41:34
Psychological evidence
In laboratory experiments, recalling an anger provoking event was not the problem in itself: dwelling on it prolonged anger and raised blood pressure, while reinterpreting the same event reduced both. In a separate randomised experiment, forming a specific if then plan in advance reduced how much tempting food people served themselves, which shows a decision made beforehand can carry into the moment. Both are small controlled studies rather than trials of this exact exercise.
Ray RD, Wilhelm FH, Gross JJ. (2008). Journal of personality and social psychology · doi
van Koningsbruggen GM, Veling H, Stroebe W, Aarts H. (2014). British journal of health psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Whatever you rehearse gets easier to reach for, so it is worth rehearsing the thing you actually want.