1Anger feels righteous while it lasts. The useful moment comes later, when the regret shows up and the story has gone quiet.
Nobody changes course mid-shout, and pressing then only adds fuel. Hours or a day afterwards there is usually a stretch where a person is uncomfortable about what they did and not yet defending it. Conversations started there go somewhere, so it is worth arranging your time to be around for it rather than a fortnight later.
Islamic evidence
but then he cried out in the deep darkness, there is no God but You, glory be to You, I was wrong (Quran 21:87). Yunus went off angry and the turn came afterwards, in the dark, not in the storming off.
“And remember the man with the whale,when he went off angrily, thinking We could not restrict him, but then he cried out in the deep darkness, ‘There is no God but You, glory be to You, I was wrong.’”
Qur'an 21:87
Psychological evidence
Work developing a standard measure of guilt and shame proneness separates guilt about an action from shame about the self, and shows the two predict different behaviour, with guilt the one tied to putting things right. So the bad feeling after an outburst is not all one thing, and which sort it is matters for what happens next. This was measure development in general samples, not a study of when to time a session.
Cohen TR, Wolf ST, Panter AT, Insko CA. (2011). Journal of personality and social psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Being uneasy about what you did is what makes doing it differently feel worth the trouble.
Feedback
none yet2Some anger arrives with an argument already inside it: that they disrespected you, that this is not how you are meant to be treated. It burns cooler than the sudden kind and it lasts much longer.
Because it is made of a story, it can be handled at the level of the story. What did that gesture actually mean. What would it mean if they were simply tired. Whether one person treating you badly settles anything at all about your worth. Those questions do nothing for a sudden flare, and with this kind they are most of the work.
Islamic evidence
do not let hatred of others lead you away from justice (Quran 5:8). What you feel about how you were treated bends your judgement, and the instruction takes that for granted.
“You who believe, be steadfast in your devotion to God and bear witness impartially: do not let hatred of others lead you away from justice, but adhere to justice, for that is closer to awareness of God. Be mindful of God: God is well aware of all that you do”
Qur'an 5:8
Psychological evidence
In a survey of 335 hospital nurses, rigid beliefs about how other people ought to behave, alongside a habit of dwelling on slights, predicted whether anger came out destructively or got bottled up. Firm expectations of others were part of the machinery. It was cross-sectional and in one profession, so it shows an association rather than a cause.
Ham EM, You MJ. (2018). Workplace health & safety · doi
Review detail
Why it works. An insult only stings for as long as you accept its account of you.