1Repeating back what your partner said proves you were listening. It does not prove you were touched by it, and they can tell the difference.
Reflective listening can be done perfectly and still land cold, because the words check the content while your face and body report that nothing arrived. Let your expression move with what they are telling you. Turn towards them, drop the summarising voice, and answer as someone who felt it rather than someone who recorded it.
Islamic evidence
It was only as a mercy that We sent you to all people (Quran 21:107). Mercy is described as the frame of a whole life rather than a phrase produced at the right moment.
“It was only as a mercy that We sent you [Prophet] to all people”
Qur'an 21:107
Psychological evidence
A systematic review of emotional intelligence in medicine found it relates to communication and professionalism, on evidence that is mixed and largely correlational. Handling emotion well and communicating well seem to travel together, though those studies cannot show which one drives the other. A modest research base, and it matches what most couples already know from the inside.
Arora S, Ashrafian H, Davis R, Athanasiou T, Darzi A, Sevdalis N. (2010). Medical education · doi
Review detail
Why it works. People relax when they can see that the feeling reached you, not only the information.
Feedback
none yet2The thing worth admitting is not that you were angry. It is what you were frightened of underneath it: being made a fool of, being left, being counted as useless.
Anger is the easy half to say and it rarely lands well. The fear underneath is harder to say and it is the part that gets you heard. One sentence will do: I got loud because I thought you were about to write me off. Expect it to feel exposed for a few seconds, and expect the other face to soften more than you predicted.
Islamic evidence
and lower your wing in humility towards them in kindness (Quran 17:24). Saying the frightened thing instead of the furious one is what lowering a wing looks like in an argument.
“and lower your wing in humility towards them in kindness and say, ‘Lord, have mercy on them, just as they cared for me when I was little.’”
Qur'an 17:24
Psychological evidence
In a randomised controlled trial with men in a batterer intervention programme, adding motivational strategies improved emotional decoding along with cognitive and emotional empathy. Naming what is actually going on emotionally is trainable, including among men whose anger has done real harm. It was one trial in one programme, and a better score is not yet a safer household.
Romero-Martínez Á, Lila M, Gracia E, Moya-Albiol L. (2019). The British journal of clinical psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Anger makes people defend themselves, while fear said out loud brings them closer.
When not to. Leave it until you are both calm enough to hear it, because said mid row it usually comes out as another accusation.