1Harm that comes out of feeling threatened and harm that is done coldly, to get something, are not one problem wearing two faces. Before deciding what would help, work out which one you are looking at.
The first kind runs hot. A person feels cornered, the body goes off, and the damage is done inside a few seconds. The second is quiet and aimed, with very little feeling in it at all. Everything built for fear and arousal, slowing down, catching the early signs, is made for the first and does almost nothing for the second. Offering it to the wrong one can waste months and leave people less safe than when you started.
Islamic evidence
There is cause to act against those who oppress people and transgress in the land against all justice (Quran 42:42). Deliberate domination is named as its own wrong, kept separate from a person losing hold of themselves.
“but there is cause to act against those who oppress people and transgress in the land against all justice- they will have an agonizing torment”
Qur'an 42:42
Psychological evidence
A comparison study of 113 men convicted of domestic violence found that impulsive and premeditated perpetrators differed across a range of measures, which suggests a single intervention model will not fit both. It was a cross-sectional comparison, so it maps the difference rather than telling you what to do about it. Even so, it is reason enough to ask which pattern is in front of you before choosing an approach.
Stanford MS, Houston RJ, Baldridge RM. (2008). Behavioral sciences & the law · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A remedy only works if it is pointed at whatever is actually driving the behaviour.
When not to. If anyone is currently in danger, safety comes first and the question of motive can wait.
Feedback
none yet2Some true things cannot be said early. A reframe that would land well in the tenth conversation will end the second one.
Ideas about what really drives harm, or about a person being more than the worst thing they have done, are easily heard as excusing it or as blaming the listener. What makes them sayable is the credit built up beforehand: enough time of being useful and straight that the other person can assume you are not setting a trap. Waiting is not cowardice. It is what stops a good point being spent for nothing.
Islamic evidence
Tell My servants to say what is best. Satan sows discord among them (Quran 17:53). Saying the best thing includes when to say it, since a right word at the wrong moment does the work of a wrong one.
“[Prophet], tell My servants to say what is best. Satan sows discord among them: Satan is a sworn enemy of man”
Qur'an 17:53
Psychological evidence
An updated Campbell systematic review of court mandated interventions for domestic violence found the evidence for reduced reoffending is weak, which is sobering given how widely these are used. Attendance plainly is not the same thing as being persuaded. The review cannot tell you that the alliance is the missing ingredient, but it does argue against assuming someone is with you simply because they are in the room.
Wilson DB, Feder L, Olaghere A. (2021). Campbell systematic reviews · doi
Review detail
Why it works. People can take a hard idea from someone they already trust, and from almost nobody else.