1Before you practise something exposing with someone, say out loud what is not at risk. I will not think less of you, and nothing between us changes here.
It sounds obvious and it does a great deal of work. If the relationship really is on the line, then the discomfort is not symbolic and no amount of practice will make it so. Naming that the regard between you holds means whatever sting is left is coming from inside the person, and that is the part they can do something about.
Islamic evidence
Do not quarrel with one another, or you may lose heart and your spirit may desert you (Quran 8:46). Between people who are on the same side, there is less at stake than the moment suggests.
“Obey God and His Messenger, and do not quarrel with one another, or you may lose heart and your spirit may desert you. Be steadfast: God is with the steadfast”
Qur'an 8:46
Psychological evidence
A randomised trial of programmes for men who had been violent towards partners found that adding motivational strategies improved participants' empathy, which those programmes had set out to build. It supports working alongside someone rather than at them. That was a particular population and one measured outcome, so read it as a pointer about stance and not a rule about wording.
Romero-Martínez Á, Lila M, Gracia E, Moya-Albiol L. (2019). The British journal of clinical psychology · doi
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Why it works. Taking the real stake off the table leaves only the imagined one, and the imagined one is the one that can change.
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none yet2Call the practice whatever fits you. Stress inoculation, rolling with the punches, a Teflon mind, the art of not giving a damn: the name changes nothing about what you do, and a name you can stand makes you likelier to do it.
People come to this with different histories and some of them have been lectured before. If the language sounds like a self help poster to you, use plainer words. If it sounds too clinical, borrow from sport or from the mosque or from whatever you already trust. The one thing not to change is the practice underneath the label.
Islamic evidence
We shall be sure to guide to Our ways those who strive hard for Our cause (Quran 29:69). What is promised is met to the striving, whatever you happen to call it.
“But We shall be sure to guide to Our ways those who strive hard for Our cause: God is with those who do good”
Qur'an 29:69
Psychological evidence
Anger management training built on this approach reduced anger rumination and impulsivity in a randomised trial with forensic psychiatric patients, a group not known for arriving keen. So the method can land with people who are wary of being told what to do. The setting was secure and specialised, and the trial says nothing about how much the wording contributed.
Polat H, Asi Karakaş S. (2021). Perspectives in psychiatric care · doi
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Why it works. You keep doing something that sounds like the kind of person you already are.
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none yet3Be careful with the language about growing a thicker skin. Before anyone is asked to mind less, someone has to check that what they are minding really is only a slight.
Where the insults are discrimination, bullying or the run up to abuse, telling a person to toughen up is telling them to distrust an accurate reading of their own situation. That is not resilience, it is being talked out of your own eyes. The check is fairly plain: is anything real being taken from them, and does the same source keep doing it.
Islamic evidence
It is best to be patient: from God alone I seek help to bear what you are saying (Quran 12:18). Ya'qub chooses patience without once pretending that the pain is not real.
“and they showed him his shirt, deceptively stained with blood. He cried, ‘No! Your souls have prompted you to do wrong! But it is best to be patient: from God alone I seek help to bear what you are saying.’”
Qur'an 12:18
Psychological evidence
In a cluster randomised trial across English secondary schools, a whole school programme teaching restorative practice and social and emotional skills reduced bullying and aggression. Where harm is real and repeated, changing the setting is part of the answer rather than leaving it all to the person being harmed. That was a school programme, so applying it to a workplace or a family is an inference.
Bonell C, Allen E, Warren E, McGowan J, Bevilacqua L, Jamal F, Legood R, Wiggins M, Opondo C, Mathiot A, Sturgess J, Fletcher A, Sadique Z, Elbourne D, Christie D, Bond L, Scott S, Viner RM. (2018). Lancet (London, England) · doi
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Why it works. Learning to mind less only helps when nothing real is actually being taken from you.
When not to. If the slights are discrimination, bullying or abuse, the work is not to mind less but to get support and change the situation where you can.
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none yet4Treat these as experiments rather than instructions. You are not obeying a programme, you are finding out what happens, and that difference changes how it feels to do them.
People who are quick to anger are often also quick to bristle at being told what to do, and a challenge sits far better with that than a homework sheet does. Pick the one that makes you smile slightly and dread it slightly. Then report back to yourself afterwards, in the spirit you would tell someone about a dare you took.
Islamic evidence
Be steadfast, more steadfast than others; be ready (Quran 3:200). There is a competitive edge in the wording, and it is pointed at your own steadiness rather than at anyone else.
“You who believe, be steadfast, more steadfast than others; be ready; always be mindful of God, so that you may prosper”
Qur'an 3:200
Psychological evidence
In a cluster randomised evaluation across matched middle schools, a social and emotional skills programme in which pupils rehearsed the skills reduced some forms of peer aggression. Rehearsal in a light, structured format did something, though not to everything that was measured. Those were school children rather than adults choosing their own challenges.
Espelage DL, Low S, Polanin JR, Brown EC. (2013). The Journal of adolescent health : official publication of the Society for Adolescent Medicine · doi
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Why it works. A challenge you set yourself gets done, while an instruction you were handed tends not to.