1Ask one question about the worry: is there something to be done here that has not been done? If yes, make the plan. If the plan already exists, or there is nothing to plan, the worry gets no more of your time.
Making a study timetable is useful once. Making it for the fourth time is worry wearing the clothes of work. The test is not how serious the topic is but whether the next round would change anything. Write the plan down where you can see it, so that when the thought comes back you can point at the paper rather than start again.
Islamic evidence
when you have decided on a course of action, put your trust in God (Quran 3:159). Consulting comes first, then a decision, then trust: the stopping rule the loop is missing.
“By an act of mercy from God, you [Prophet] were gentle in your dealings with them- had you been harsh, or hard-hearted, they would have dispersed and left you- so pardon them and ask forgiveness for them. Consult with them about matters, then, when you have…”
Qur'an 3:159
Psychological evidence
In a randomised trial of internet delivered therapy for mixed anxiety and depression, improvement was carried by reductions in repetitive negative thinking and in the belief that worrying is useful. The belief that all this thinking is productive is part of what keeps it running. Because this was a mediation analysis, it tracks what changed alongside improvement rather than proving the order of cause.
Newby JM, Williams AD, Andrews G. (2014). Behaviour research and therapy · doi
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Why it works. Planning finishes a real question, while replanning only feeds the loop that keeps asking it.
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none yet2Whatever approach the anxious person is learning, teach it to the people they live with. A skill that only one person in the house knows gets overridden by everyone else's habits.
Families have a settled way of responding to distress, usually built out of love, and it will win against anything learned in an hour once a week. So say the steps out loud to everyone: what to do when it starts, what not to say, how long to give it. Parents and partners are usually relieved to be told, because doing nothing while someone suffers is its own kind of hard.
Islamic evidence
seek help through steadfastness and prayer, for God is with the steadfast (Quran 2:153). It is addressed to a group rather than to one person on their own.
“You who believe, seek help through steadfastness and prayer, for God is with the steadfast”
Qur'an 2:153
Psychological evidence
In a randomised controlled trial with 251 adolescents and young adults who were already worrying and ruminating a lot, a six week cognitive behavioural group training reduced how many went on to develop anxiety disorders and depression. Teaching the skills in a group, before things are severe, has real support behind it. The trial was in young people at raised risk, so it speaks to prevention more than to households in crisis.
Topper M, Emmelkamp PM, Watkins E, Ehring T. (2017). Behaviour research and therapy · doi
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Why it works. New responses only hold if the people around you are using the same ones.
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none yet3Online you can edit, delete, mute and leave. People who have done most of their socialising that way often find ordinary company unbearable, because ordinary company cannot be controlled.
If that describes you, the answer is not to become a different sort of person. It is practice in rooms you cannot manage: a class, a job with shifts, a family meal that runs long. Expect it to be uncomfortable, and expect the discomfort to come down with repetition rather than with insight. What is going on afterwards matters too, since replaying the awkward bit for an hour undoes most of the benefit of having stayed.
Islamic evidence
prayer restrains outrageous and unacceptable behaviour (Quran 29:45). A steady practice is credited with holding the reaction, which is the part you can build.
“[Prophet], recite what has been revealed to you of the Scripture; keep up the prayer: prayer restrains outrageous and unacceptable behaviour. Remembering God is greater: God knows everything you are doing”
Qur'an 29:45
Psychological evidence
An observational study using multilevel analysis found that both a person's general mindfulness and their state in the moment predicted less aggressive behaviour, and that reduced rumination about anger accounted for part of that link. What happens after a frustrating exchange, in the going over, seems to matter as much as the exchange. The design was observational, so it maps relationships rather than showing what causes what.
Eisenlohr-Moul TA, Peters JR, Pond RS, DeWall CN. (2016). Mindfulness · doi
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Why it works. An expectation that other people can be controlled only changes by spending time where they cannot be.
Feedback
none yet4With a child, make it a job rather than a lesson. They are the detective, the worried thought is the claim, and the task is to collect what supports it and what does not before deciding anything.
Two columns on a page, in their handwriting, not yours. Ask what a friend would notice, what happened the last three times, what would have to be true for the worry to be right. Children take to the role because it gives them something to do, and it quietly turns the thought into an object on the table rather than a truth they have to defend.
Islamic evidence
Do not follow blindly what you do not know to be true: ears, eyes, and heart, you will be questioned about all these (Quran 17:36). Checking what you actually know is asked of you, which is exactly the detective's job.
“Do not follow blindly what you do not know to be true: ears, eyes, and heart, you will be questioned about all these”
Qur'an 17:36
Psychological evidence
In a randomised experiment with volunteers who had generalised anxiety disorder or depression, training people to read ambiguous situations in a more benign way reduced their worry and rumination. How an unclear situation gets interpreted is part of what drives the loop, which is what the two column exercise works on. That was a short training study in volunteers, so it supports the mechanism rather than this particular exercise with children.
Colette R. Hirsch; Charlotte Krahé; Jessica Whyte; Sofia Loizou; Livia Bridge; Sam Norton (2018). Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology · doi
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Why it works. Once a thought is something to be investigated, it stops being something to be believed.
Feedback
none yet5Do not tell a child their thinking is wrong, and do not hand them the better thought. Ask the questions and let them arrive at it themselves.
A conclusion someone reaches on their own stays with them. One that was given to them falls apart the moment they are frightened, because it was never really theirs. So keep asking: what makes you think that, what else could explain it, what happened the last time. With teenagers there is a second reason to hold back, which is that being corrected by an adult ends the conversation on the spot.
Islamic evidence
Call on Me and I will answer you (Quran 40:60). The answer follows the asking, which is a fair model for how this goes in the room.
“Your Lord says, ‘Call on Me and I will answer you; those who are too proud to serve Me will enter Hell humiliated.’”
Qur'an 40:60
Psychological evidence
In a randomised writing experiment with 182 students, writing about an interpersonal hurt in an experiential way reduced negative feeling and softened the effect of going over the anger. Working something through in your own words did the job, without anyone supplying the conclusion. It was a writing task with students, so it supports self generated processing broadly rather than this specific way of talking to a child.
Liao KY, Wei M, Russell DW, Abraham WT. (2012). Journal of clinical psychology · doi
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Why it works. A conclusion you worked out yourself holds up under pressure, and one you were handed does not.
Feedback
none yet6Sometimes there really is evidence for the fear. Say so. The balance comes from the other column being fuller, not from pretending the first column is empty.
Children are being bullied, are laughed at, do get things wrong in front of everyone. If you wave that away, they learn the exercise is fixed and they stop telling you things. Write the real evidence down with them, then work properly on what stands against it. And if the evidence for turns out to be strong, you have found a safety or practical problem to solve rather than a thought to examine.
Islamic evidence
Guesswork is of no value against the Truth (Quran 53:28). That cuts both ways, since guessing it will all be fine is guesswork too.
“They have no knowledge to base this on: they merely follow guesswork. Guesswork is of no value against the Truth”
Qur'an 53:28
Psychological evidence
A pilot randomised controlled trial found that a group therapy working on how people handle their own repetitive thinking reduced distress in prolonged grief. That is a case where the loss is entirely real, and the loop around it was still treatable without anybody denying the loss. It was a small pilot in a different population, so the parallel is instructive rather than direct evidence about children.
Jenine Anne Wenn; Moira O’Connor; Robert Kane; Clare S. Rees; Lauren J. Breen (2019). BMJ Open · doi
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Why it works. An honest weighing is the only kind whose conclusion the child will still believe later.
When not to. Where the evidence for the fear is strong, such as ongoing bullying or a real threat at school, this becomes a safeguarding and problem solving task for adults, not a thinking exercise for the child.