1Your body gets up in the morning and your mind often does not. Half a day can go by in a sort of waking dream, and whatever meets you in it gets the sleepwalker's answer.
So make waking the moment you decide something, before the day has handed you anything to react to. Thirty seconds on the edge of the bed will do: today I will notice once before I answer. Hanging it on something that already happens every morning means you never have to remember to find a time for it.
Islamic evidence
Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not wish that God should forgive you? (Quran 24:22). Deciding to overlook things is far easier at the start of a day than in the middle of one, while nobody has done anything yet.
“Those who have been graced with bounty and plenty should not swear that they will [no longer] give to kinsmen, the poor, those who emigrated in God’s way: let them pardon and forgive. Do you not wish that God should forgive you? God is most forgiving and…”
Qur'an 24:22
Psychological evidence
In a survey of 286 adults aged 18 to 88, older adults reported letting anger out less and dwelling on emotional events less, and those differences related to their well being, which suggests these patterns are not fixed for life. What it cannot tell you is whether a morning intention shifts them, since nobody tested that. It is offered as a reason to think the settings move at all.
Phillips LH, Phillips LH, Henry JD, Hosie JA, Milne AB. (2006). Aging & mental health · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A moment that comes round on its own is the easiest place to hang a new intention.
Feedback
none yet2Before anyone does something exposing, let them check their own conditions and give them a clean way to say no. A public yes given under pressure is not really a yes.
It can be as ordinary as asking someone to consider whether they have the privacy, the time and the state of mind for this today. Ask it first and whoever declines has not failed in front of anybody. It costs a minute, and it is the difference between practice a person chose and something that happened to them.
Islamic evidence
Seek help with steadfastness and prayer, though this is hard indeed for anyone but the humble (Quran 2:45). The difficulty is stated openly, which is a good model for how to ask someone whether they are ready.
“Seek help with steadfastness and prayer- though this is hard indeed for anyone but the humble”
Qur'an 2:45
Psychological evidence
In 125 male veterans with post traumatic stress and anger difficulties, group anger management delivered by videoconference did as well as the same therapy given in person. The conditions of delivery clearly matter enough to be studied, and they can be got right. That trial compared formats rather than testing how people were prepared beforehand.
Leslie A. Morland; Carolyn J. Greene; Craig S. Rosen; David W. Foy; Patrick M. Reilly; Jay H. Shore (2010). The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry · doi
Review detail
Why it works. People can stay with something difficult when they know they are free to stop.
Feedback
none yet3Before someone has said a word, you have often already decided what they are: only here because they were made to come, not really interested, wasting your time. That decision changes how the meeting goes.
The person sent by a court, or pushed into the room by a partner or a manager, walks in already read. Try starting the hour with nothing written: no history of what people like this are usually like, no forecast of how it will end. Notice the moment you catch yourself predicting them, and go back to what they are actually saying. This is as much for anyone meeting a difficult relative as for a clinician.
Islamic evidence
If they turn away, say, God is enough for me: there is no god but Him; I put my trust in Him (Quran 9:129). Even someone turning away is met with trust rather than with a verdict about them.
“If they turn away, [Prophet], say ,‘God is enough for me: there is no god but Him; I put my trust in Him; He is the Lord of the Mighty Throne.’”
Qur'an 9:129
Psychological evidence
In a cross-sectional study using structural equation modelling, higher trait mindfulness went with less anger, hostility and aggression, and lower rumination partly explained the link. The relevant piece is that hostility travels with a habit of mind, which applies to the helper in the room as much as to anybody else. The data were gathered at a single point in time, so this shows what goes together, not what causes what.
Borders A, Earleywine M, Jajodia A. (2010). Aggressive behavior · doi
Review detail
Why it works. People can feel when you have already made your mind up, and they behave like the person you expect.