1Before you go towards the thing you are afraid of, it helps to have two things to hand: a way to settle your body, and a fairer account of what is likely to happen.
Neither of them is meant to take the fear away. They are there so you can stay in the situation long enough for it to teach you something, and that staying is the part that shifts what you expect. If you catch yourself using the slow breathing to get out of the moment rather than to remain in it, that is worth noticing early.
Islamic evidence
seek help through steadfastness and prayer, for God is with the steadfast (Quran 2:153). Two supports are named side by side, one about holding on and one about turning to God, and neither is offered as a way round the hard thing itself.
“You who believe, seek help through steadfastness and prayer, for God is with the steadfast”
Qur'an 2:153
Psychological evidence
Across two treatments for generalised anxiety disorder, people who improved also became better at standing back from their own thoughts, which points to that skill being part of what helps. The calming side has a more mixed record: in a laboratory study, relaxation itself provoked anxiety in some people with generalised anxiety disorder, in keeping with worry being used to avoid the drop from calm into sudden distress. So there is something behind each of these, and neither is guaranteed to feel pleasant at first.
Sarah A. Hayes‐Skelton; Amber Calloway; Lizabeth Roemer; Susan M. Orsillo (2014). Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology · doi
Kim H, Newman MG. (2019). Journal of affective disorders · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A calmer body and a clearer read of the situation make it possible to stay put, and staying put is what changes what you expect next time.
When not to. Deliberately facing a serious fear is best planned with someone trained in it rather than pushed through alone.
Feedback
none yet2Let the person facing it choose the first step, and let them choose an easy one. A rung somebody picked gets climbed. A rung assigned to them gets argued about.
Ask which one they would be willing to have a go at this week, not which one they ought to be able to manage. The answer usually sits somewhere in the low to middle part of the ladder, and that is fine. The first step is not there to be impressive. It is there so the week ends with them having done something they were not sure they could do.
Islamic evidence
We shall be sure to guide to Our ways those who strive hard for Our cause (Quran 29:69). The striving comes first and is met, however modest the step being taken.
“But We shall be sure to guide to Our ways those who strive hard for Our cause: God is with those who do good”
Qur'an 29:69
Psychological evidence
Across seventy five studies of childhood anxiety treatment, the amount of exposure a programme contained was more strongly tied to improvement than the anxiety management components were. What matters most is that steps keep happening, which argues for choosing rungs that will actually get climbed over the most impressive one available. Those studies measured how much exposure was delivered, not who chose it.
Whiteside SPH, Sim LA, Morrow AS, Farah WH, Hilliker DR, Murad MH, Wang Z. (2020). Clinical child and family psychology review · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Doing it because you chose to leaves you with the memory of having done it rather than of having been made to.
Feedback
none yet3No step happens without the person agreeing to it. Not ordered, not dragged, not talked round in a bright voice. Agreement is a condition of the thing working, not a courtesy.
Coerced exposure teaches two lessons at once: that the situation is dangerous, and that you are not safe with the people who arranged it. After that you have the original fear plus an adult who has to be managed. Ask, wait, accept a no, and offer something smaller instead. The slower route is the only one that ends with someone saying they did it themselves.
Islamic evidence
Do not be afraid, I am with you both (Quran 20:46). What Moses and Aaron were given before walking into what they dreaded was company, not a command.
“He said, ‘Do not be afraid, I am with you both, hearing and seeing everything”
Qur'an 20:46
Psychological evidence
A meta-analysis of dropout from virtual reality exposure found it was about the same as dropout from real world exposure, so making the format feel gentler does not by itself keep people in treatment. Whatever holds people in is something other than how easy the situation looks from outside, and willing agreement is the obvious candidate. That candidate is not what the meta-analysis tested.
Benbow AA, Anderson PL. (2019). Journal of anxiety disorders · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Going towards something because you chose to is what leaves you with proof about yourself.
Feedback
none yet4Find one adult in the building the child already trusts, and have them meet the child at the entrance. The doorway is the hardest minute of the day.
The job is small and specific: be there at the door, walk with them to their locker, get them started, be findable later on. It turns the worst moment from something faced alone into something faced with someone. Agree at the start how this will wind down, so that in six weeks nobody discovers the child can only come in when one particular person is at work.
Islamic evidence
each person has guardian angels before him and behind, watching over him by God's command (Quran 13:11). Being accompanied through the frightening part is written into how we are made.
“each person has guardian angels before him and behind, watching over him by God’s command. God does not change the condition of a people [for the worse] unless they change what is in themselves, but if He wills harm on a people, no one can ward it off–– apart…”
Qur'an 13:11
Psychological evidence
A critical review of safety behaviours during exposure found the evidence genuinely mixed, with some studies suggesting early support does no harm, and argued from inhibitory learning theory that these supports usually have to come off for change to last. Neither the enthusiastic reading nor the strict one is quite right. The practical answer is to plan the help and plan its removal at the same time.
Blakey SM, Abramowitz JS. (2016). Clinical psychology review · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A familiar face makes the hardest minute possible, and stepping that help back later is what makes the rest of the building possible.