1The first day back is worse than the weeks before it, not better. Plan for that spike rather than letting it take you by surprise.
Anxiety climbs as the return gets close and peaks somewhere near the doorway, then it comes down, but only for someone who stays long enough to find that out. Put the supports in place before the date arrives: who meets them, where they can go if it gets too much, what the first hour actually asks. Deciding all of that on the morning, in tears, rarely goes well.
Islamic evidence
We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But give good news to those who are steadfast (Quran 2:155). The fear is named in advance here, which is a kind of preparation in itself.
“We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But [Prophet], give good news to those who are steadfast”
Qur'an 2:155
Psychological evidence
Reviews of exposure therapy written from an inhibitory learning view argue that what makes approaching a feared thing work is the gap between what you expected and what happened, and that quiet forms of avoidance blunt exactly that gap. These are theoretical reviews drawing laboratory and clinical findings together rather than a trial of going back to school. Read at that level, they explain why a long absence leaves the frightening prediction untouched and loud.
Craske MG, Treanor M, Conway CC, Zbozinek T, Vervliet B. (2014). Behaviour research and therapy · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A fear that has gone months without being tested has had nothing to shrink it, so it turns up at full size.
Feedback
none yet2Offer school again at ten, and at eleven, and after lunch. One refusal at half past seven should not be allowed to decide the whole day.
Morning dread usually peaks around the time they would be leaving and then drains away over a couple of hours. A child who could not face it at half past seven can often manage third period, and will almost never suggest that themselves. Keep the offer open, ask lightly, take no for an answer each time without a row, and mean it when you ask again.
Islamic evidence
My sons, go and seek news of Joseph and his brother and do not despair of God's mercy (Quran 12:87). Jacob sends them out again after years of nothing, which is roughly the patience this asks for.
“My sons, go and seek news of Joseph and his brother and do not despair of God’s mercy- only disbelievers despair of God’s mercy.’”
Qur'an 12:87
Psychological evidence
Reviews of exposure written from an inhibitory learning view argue that the work is done by finding out the expected disaster did not happen, and that this is only learned by going towards the thing. These are theoretical reviews assembling laboratory and clinical evidence, not trials of hourly offers. Read at that level, each fresh offer is another chance for the prediction to be tested rather than confirmed.
Craske MG, Treanor M, Conway CC, Zbozinek T, Vervliet B. (2014). Behaviour research and therapy · doi
Review detail
Why it works. The fear comes down as the morning goes on, so leaving the door open catches the hour when going in becomes possible.
Feedback
none yet3Find one adult in the building the child already trusts, and have them meet the child at the entrance. The doorway is the hardest minute of the day.
The job is small and specific: be there at the door, walk with them to their locker, get them started, be findable later on. It turns the worst moment from something faced alone into something faced with someone. Agree at the start how this will wind down, so that in six weeks nobody discovers the child can only come in when one particular person is at work.
Islamic evidence
each person has guardian angels before him and behind, watching over him by God's command (Quran 13:11). Being accompanied through the frightening part is written into how we are made.
“each person has guardian angels before him and behind, watching over him by God’s command. God does not change the condition of a people [for the worse] unless they change what is in themselves, but if He wills harm on a people, no one can ward it off–– apart…”
Qur'an 13:11
Psychological evidence
A critical review of safety behaviours during exposure found the evidence genuinely mixed, with some studies suggesting early support does no harm, and argued from inhibitory learning theory that these supports usually have to come off for change to last. Neither the enthusiastic reading nor the strict one is quite right. The practical answer is to plan the help and plan its removal at the same time.
Blakey SM, Abramowitz JS. (2016). Clinical psychology review · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A familiar face makes the hardest minute possible, and stepping that help back later is what makes the rest of the building possible.