1Let the person facing it choose the first step, and let them choose an easy one. A rung somebody picked gets climbed. A rung assigned to them gets argued about.
Ask which one they would be willing to have a go at this week, not which one they ought to be able to manage. The answer usually sits somewhere in the low to middle part of the ladder, and that is fine. The first step is not there to be impressive. It is there so the week ends with them having done something they were not sure they could do.
Islamic evidence
We shall be sure to guide to Our ways those who strive hard for Our cause (Quran 29:69). The striving comes first and is met, however modest the step being taken.
“But We shall be sure to guide to Our ways those who strive hard for Our cause: God is with those who do good”
Qur'an 29:69
Psychological evidence
Across seventy five studies of childhood anxiety treatment, the amount of exposure a programme contained was more strongly tied to improvement than the anxiety management components were. What matters most is that steps keep happening, which argues for choosing rungs that will actually get climbed over the most impressive one available. Those studies measured how much exposure was delivered, not who chose it.
Whiteside SPH, Sim LA, Morrow AS, Farah WH, Hilliker DR, Murad MH, Wang Z. (2020). Clinical child and family psychology review · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Doing it because you chose to leaves you with the memory of having done it rather than of having been made to.
Feedback
none yet2No step happens without the person agreeing to it. Not ordered, not dragged, not talked round in a bright voice. Agreement is a condition of the thing working, not a courtesy.
Coerced exposure teaches two lessons at once: that the situation is dangerous, and that you are not safe with the people who arranged it. After that you have the original fear plus an adult who has to be managed. Ask, wait, accept a no, and offer something smaller instead. The slower route is the only one that ends with someone saying they did it themselves.
Islamic evidence
Do not be afraid, I am with you both (Quran 20:46). What Moses and Aaron were given before walking into what they dreaded was company, not a command.
“He said, ‘Do not be afraid, I am with you both, hearing and seeing everything”
Qur'an 20:46
Psychological evidence
A meta-analysis of dropout from virtual reality exposure found it was about the same as dropout from real world exposure, so making the format feel gentler does not by itself keep people in treatment. Whatever holds people in is something other than how easy the situation looks from outside, and willing agreement is the obvious candidate. That candidate is not what the meta-analysis tested.
Benbow AA, Anderson PL. (2019). Journal of anxiety disorders · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Going towards something because you chose to is what leaves you with proof about yourself.