1Ask it plainly. Do you think you are a threat to anyone you love? A vague anger problem turns into something workable the moment it has a name attached to it.
Then keep going, because the follow up questions carry most of the weight. Has there been any thought of killing someone, or of dying. What is in the house, and could it be somewhere else for a while. Most people answer honestly when the asking is steady and unshocked, and the question that gets skipped is nearly always the one about means.
Islamic evidence
If any saves a life it is as if he saves the lives of all mankind (Quran 5:32). One awkward question, asked once, is weighed on that scale.
“On account of [his deed], We decreed to the Children of Israel that if anyone kills a person- unless in retribution for murder or spreading corruption in the land- it is as if he kills all mankind, while if any saves a life it is as if he saves the lives of…”
Qur'an 5:32
Psychological evidence
Among men arrested for domestic violence, antisocial traits, low distress tolerance and alcohol problems predicted violence, which gives you concrete things to enquire about rather than a general impression. It was a cross-sectional study, so treat these as markers worth asking after and not a formula for who will do what. Formal risk tools exist and are worth using where they are available to you.
Brem MJ, Florimbio AR, Elmquist J, Shorey RC, Stuart GL. (2018). Psychology of violence · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Risk you have asked about in specific terms is risk you can plan around.
When not to. If the answers suggest real risk, this stops being something to carry alone: bring in supervision, crisis services, and whatever your local duty to warn requires.
Feedback
none yet2Imagining revenge is ordinary and on its own tells you very little. What matters is whether it has started collecting details: a particular person, a method, a time, something bought or moved.
Almost everybody who is furious has run some version of a scene in their head, and treating that as alarming only teaches people not to mention it. The shift worth watching for is rehearsal replacing daydream. Ask what the thought looks like now compared with a month ago, and whether anything has been got ready. The difference between wishing and preparing is usually visible if you actually ask.
Islamic evidence
Do not overstep the limits, for He sees everything you do (Quran 11:112). The warning is placed before the line rather than after it.
“So keep to the right course as you have been commanded, together with those who have turned to God with you. Do not overstep the limits, for He sees everything you do”
Qur'an 11:112
Psychological evidence
In a laboratory analogue, dwelling on anger combined with being intoxicated produced the highest partner aggression, while reappraisal acted as a brake. That gives some support to the idea that going over an angry scene again and again is not neutral, particularly alongside drink. It was a lab task rather than a real household, so take it as a hint about direction and not a measure of anyone's risk.
Watkins LE, DiLillo D, Maldonado RC. (2015). Psychology of addictive behaviors : journal of the Society of Psychologists in Addictive Behaviors · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Preparing is already a step towards doing, while wishing on its own is not.
When not to. Where preparation has already started, this is not a matter for watchful waiting: get help the same day.
Feedback
none yet3Hurting yourself is not always about coping. Sometimes it is aimed at somebody else, and until you know which it is you cannot know what would help.
This is uncomfortable to ask about and it is not an accusation. An act can be a way through an unbearable hour, or a message to someone who has stopped listening, or both of those on different days. What helps is different in each case, which is why the question is worth asking gently and directly rather than being assumed either way.
Islamic evidence
Do not hold on to them with intent to harm them and commit aggression: anyone who does this wrongs himself (Quran 2:231). Harm meant for someone else inside a close relationship is named as something the person ends up carrying too.
“When you divorce women and they have reached their set time, then either keep or release them in a fair manner. Do not hold on to them with intent to harm them and commit aggression: anyone who does this wrongs himself. Do not make a mockery of God’s…”
Qur'an 2:231
Psychological evidence
In 65 adults with aggression problems in intimate relationships, an internet delivered CBT programme teaching emotion regulation and conflict resolution reduced partner violence, and a mediation analysis supported the model it was built on. The useful part is that the treatment worked through what it was aiming at, which is the argument for identifying the function before picking the tool. The sample was small and the target was violence towards a partner rather than self-injury.
Hesser H, Axelsson S, Bäcke V, Engstrand J, Gustafsson T, Holmgren E, Jeppsson U, Pollack M, Nordén K, Rosenqvist D, Andersson G. (2017). Clinical psychology & psychotherapy · doi
Review detail
Why it works. What an act is for tells you what could take its place.
When not to. Where self-injury is happening now, this belongs in a conversation with someone qualified to help, alongside proper support rather than instead of it.
Feedback
none yet4Before anything else, take seriously what self-injury is doing for a person. Pain in the body can be easier to hold than pain in the mind, and a hurt you chose yourself can feel like control coming back.
There are other honest reasons too. It can switch the world off for a while, or hold up a kind of armour: nobody can hurt me worse than I already do, so there is nothing left to be frightened of. That last one sits very close to the anger material, since it is another way of ending fear by doing something. Each reason points to a different replacement, and none of them get found while a person feels judged for having reasons at all.
Islamic evidence
Do not neglect your rightful share in this world (Quran 28:77). There is a portion of good in this life that is genuinely yours, and going without it was never the price of anything.
“Seek the life to come by means of what God has granted you, but do not neglect your rightful share in this world. Do good to others as God has done good to you. Do not seek to spread corruption in the land, for God does not love those who do this,’”
Qur'an 28:77
Psychological evidence
In 101 adults who had recently committed at least two acts of partner aggression, group acceptance and commitment therapy reduced aggressive behaviour compared with a support and discussion control. That approach works on how a person carries painful inner states rather than on getting rid of them, which is the shape of what is needed here. It was tested for aggression towards others, so read it as a related idea and not as direct evidence about self-injury.
Zarling A, Lawrence E, Marchman J. (2015). Journal of consulting and clinical psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Something is only given up when the job it was doing is being done some other way.
When not to. If someone is injuring themselves now, they need proper clinical support, not only a conversation about what it is for.
Feedback
none yet5See what you made me do to myself. When self-harm is carrying a message like that, naming the message is not dismissing it, it is looking for the thing that could be said instead.
The question can be asked kindly and straight. Do you ever get angry enough with them to want to hurt yourself so that they feel it. People often say yes with some relief, because they have known it about themselves for a long time and had nowhere to put it. What follows is finding words that reach the same person without the cost, since anger sent out sideways is rarely received as anger at all.
Islamic evidence
Let harm be requited by an equal harm, though anyone who forgives and puts things right will have his reward from God Himself (Quran 42:40). Harm turned back on yourself is equal to nothing, since the whole of it stays with you.
“Let harm be requited by an equal harm, though anyone who forgives and puts things right will have his reward from God Himself––He does not like those who do wrong”
Qur'an 42:40
Psychological evidence
A randomised controlled trial found that motivational strategies improved empathy among men in batterer intervention programmes, a capacity closely tied to violence. It suggests that how something is raised affects what a person becomes able to feel about the others involved. It was one trial in a very particular setting, and empathy improving is not the same as behaviour changing.
Romero-Martínez Á, Lila M, Gracia E, Moya-Albiol L. (2019). The British journal of clinical psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A message with no other route out will keep using the body to send itself.
When not to. Naming this function never replaces asking about risk, and it must never be used to decide that someone is not serious.
Feedback
none yet6An act meant to be heard rather than to end a life can still end one. Whatever you believe about the intent, lethality is a separate question and it always gets asked.
The ways this happens are ordinary and awful. A method more dangerous than the person realised. The friend who was meant to arrive, arriving late. A couple of drinks that changed the arithmetic. Someone can genuinely not want to die and die anyway. So the assessment is the same in either case, and a confident read on intent earns nobody a shortcut past it.
Islamic evidence
Nor take a life, which God has made sacred (Quran 25:68). A life keeps that weight whether or not anybody intended to take it.
“those who never invoke any other deity beside God, nor take a life, which God has made sacred, except in the pursuit of justice, nor commit adultery. (Whoever does these things will face the penalties)”
Qur'an 25:68
Psychological evidence
A systematic review found the evidence base for non-pharmacological interventions to reduce violence in serious mental illness is uncertain, partly because most approaches had been borrowed from offender populations. When a field is that unsettled, confidence about any one person in front of you is hard to justify. The safer position is to treat the risk as real rather than to lean on a judgement about what someone truly meant.
Rampling J, Furtado V, Winsper C, Marwaha S, Lucca G, Livanou M, Singh SP. (2016). European psychiatry : the journal of the Association of European Psychiatrists · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Whether an act kills depends on the method and the circumstances, not on what was meant by it.
When not to. If you are unsure whether someone is safe tonight, treat that uncertainty as a no and act on it.