1Anger rescues you from an unbearable in between by handing you something to do. The relief is real, and that is exactly why it keeps coming back.
Fear asks you to sit in a situation that has not resolved yet, which is a horrible ask. Anger says no to that and converts it into action, and the moment it does the awful uncertainty stops. Knowing what the outburst is for, rather than only what it looks like, is what makes it possible to choose something else while the feeling is still there.
Islamic evidence
Do not worry, God is with us (Quran 9:40). That was said while sitting still in a cave with pursuers nearby, which is what staying with an unresolved thing looks like.
“Even if you do not help the Prophet, God helped him when the disbelievers drove him out: when the two of them were in the cave, he [Muhammad] said to his companion, ‘Do not worry, God is with us,’ and God sent His calm down to him, aided him with forces…”
Qur'an 9:40
Psychological evidence
In a fear conditioning experiment, people who were allowed to make a protective response while facing a feared cue held on to the belief that the cue was dangerous, while those who could not do anything went on learning it was safe. Acting to end the discomfort preserved the fear that caused it. It was an artificial laboratory setup, so the mechanism is clear while the setting is nothing like real life.
Lovibond PF, Mitchell CJ, Minard E, Brady A, Menzies RG. (2009). Behaviour research and therapy · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Anything that ends a horrible feeling quickly gets learned quickly, whatever it costs you afterwards.
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none yet2Fight and flight have been hyphenated together for a reason. It is one system with two exits, and which exit you take depends on how you rate yourself against whatever is in front of you.
Which means the fighting is not a fixed feature of your character. Change your sense of what you can handle and the branch changes with it. In practice that looks like knowing what you are going to say, having somebody with you, or simply having done the thing once before.
Islamic evidence
If God helps you, no one can overcome you (Quran 3:160). The question of what you can withstand is answered somewhere other than in your own size.
“If God helps you [believers], no one can overcome you; if He forsakes you, who else can help you? Believers should put their trust in God”
Qur'an 3:160
Psychological evidence
A review of imaging research found that adult attachment style is associated with differences in how threat and reward are processed during social interaction. How a situation gets appraised, and therefore what follows, differs between people according to what they have lived. It is a narrative review of imaging studies, so it gathers the picture rather than establishing the mechanism.
Vrtička P, Vuilleumier P. (2012). Frontiers in human neuroscience · doi
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Why it works. The choice between running and fighting is settled by your reading of your own resources, and that reading can be improved.
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none yet3The person roaring at you is very often the most frightened one in the room. Holding that in mind steadies you, and your steadiness is a good half of what settles them.
Most of us find it easy to be kind to somebody who is visibly afraid and much harder when the fear arrives as shouting. Your own alarm is the thing to watch, because a guarded, clipped response feeds straight back into theirs. Slow your speech, keep your hands visible, and give the fear underneath something to land on.
Islamic evidence
Speak to him gently so that he may take heed (Quran 20:44). Gentleness was the instruction for approaching the most frightening figure of all.
“Speak to him gently so that he may take heed, or show respect.’”
Qur'an 20:44
Psychological evidence
A trial with 65 patients found that higher shame and guilt at the start predicted more severe post-traumatic symptoms, and that weekly reductions in shame were followed by reductions in symptoms. What sits under the anger is worth taking seriously in its own right. An early review of compassion-focused therapy found it promising for people driven by shame and self-criticism, while noting the evidence base was small at that point.
Øktedalen T, Hoffart A, Langkaas TF. (2015). Psychotherapy research : journal of the Society for Psychotherapy Research · doi
Leaviss J, Uttley L. (2015). Psychological medicine · doi
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Why it works. Two nervous systems in a room read each other, so the one that settles first tends to set the direction.
When not to. Some people are genuinely dangerous rather than frightened, so keep your own safety, your exits and your supervision in place regardless of how you understand them.
Feedback
none yet4When somebody manages a partner through anger, it is worth asking what the control is guarding. Very often the answer is a fear of being left.
Telling someone that nobody else would have them is that fear turned into a weapon, and it usually arrives when the person feels furthest away. Understanding this changes where the work goes, from a longer list of rules towards the panic underneath. It does not soften what the behaviour does to the person on the receiving end of it.
Islamic evidence
God will be enough for those who put their trust in Him (Quran 65:3). The dread of being left without anyone is answered at its root, which is the only place it can be answered.
“and will provide for them from an unexpected source; God will be enough for those who put their trust in Him. God achieves His purpose; God has set a due measure for everything”
Qur'an 65:3
Psychological evidence
A meta-analysis found that insecure attachment related to depression largely through processes in between, such as self-criticism and unhelpful ways of handling emotion, rather than directly. Fear about closeness does its damage through what people do with it, which is where the work has to go. The pooled studies were mostly measured at one time point, so the ordering of those steps is inferred.
Cortés-García L, Takkouche B, Rodriguez-Cano R, Senra C. (2020). Journal of affective disorders · doi
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Why it works. Control is a way of trying to make someone unable to leave, which is a fear about losing them rather than a wish to run them.
When not to. If you are frightened of your partner, your safety comes first and none of this is a reason to stay somewhere dangerous while you understand them better.
Feedback
none yet5When someone comes at you angry, listen for the fear in it. It changes what you say next, and it changes what their anger does to you.
A raised voice usually produces apprehension, and apprehension makes people stiffen or back away. Hearing frightened rather than hostile leaves you room to stay present. In practice it sounds like slowing down, dropping your own volume, and asking what they are worried is about to happen.
Islamic evidence
Speak to him gently so that he may take heed (Quran 20:44). Gentleness is prescribed for the confrontation everyone involved expected to be most frightening.
“Speak to him gently so that he may take heed, or show respect.’”
Qur'an 20:44
Psychological evidence
In a placebo-controlled experiment, women with borderline personality disorder saw anger in ambiguous faces faster than others and showed stronger amygdala responses while doing so. That fits the idea that hostility can sit on top of a threat detector firing early. The sample was small and specific, so take it as an illustration rather than a claim about everyone who shouts.
Bertsch K, Gamer M, Schmidt B, Schmidinger I, Walther S, Kästel T, Schnell K, Büchel C, Domes G, Herpertz SC. (2013). The American journal of psychiatry · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Someone who feels understood has less to defend, so the heat goes out of it sooner.
When not to. If the other person is escalating or you feel unsafe, end the conversation and get distance instead of trying to understand them.