1Gritting your teeth works right up until you are tired, hungry or already stretched. Watching the anger from a small distance is the steadier option, because it does not need holding up.
Keeping a lid down costs effort, and the effort runs out at the end of a long day, which is exactly when you need it. The observing stance is cheaper: you are not wrestling the feeling, you are standing next to it while it does what it does. It feels far less impressive and it lasts much longer.
Islamic evidence
Bear with them graciously (Quran 15:85). What is asked for is a gracious carrying of the thing rather than a clenched one.
“We did not create the heavens and the earth and everything between them without a true purpose: the Hour will certainly come, so [Prophet] bear with them graciously”
Qur'an 15:85
Psychological evidence
In an experiment with 200 police recruits, a demanding task that drained self control raised their stated intention to use force in a video scenario, which fits the idea that restraint is spendable in the moment. Separately, across two samples, people higher in trait mindfulness reported less anger, hostility and aggression, with less rumination partly explaining the link, though that design cannot show which came first. One experiment and one cross sectional study is thin ground, so hold the conclusion loosely.
Staller MS, Müller M, Christiansen P, Zaiser B, Körner S, Cole JC. (2019). Aggressive behavior · doi
Borders A, Earleywine M, Jajodia A. (2010). Aggressive behavior · doi
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Why it works. Effort drains away, whereas a place to stand does not have to be held.
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none yet2You are free in principle and a good deal less free at half past eleven at night in the middle of a row. Freedom is a capacity that rises and falls, which also means it can be built.
On autopilot, hijacked, exhausted or drunk, the choice is technically yours and practically not. Knowing that without shame moves the question from what sort of person you are to what state you were in and what could be arranged differently. Sleep, food, distance and not being drunk are unglamorous, and they are most of it.
Islamic evidence
Do not let hatred of others lead you away from justice (Quran 5:8). The warning assumes that strong feeling really can pull your judgement off line, so being fair to someone you dislike takes more than good intentions.
“You who believe, be steadfast in your devotion to God and bear witness impartially: do not let hatred of others lead you away from justice, but adhere to justice, for that is closer to awareness of God. Be mindful of God: God is well aware of all that you do”
Qur'an 5:8
Psychological evidence
The alcohol myopia account, set out in a review of this literature, holds that alcohol narrows attention onto the loudest provoking cue and away from the reasons to hold back, which is why intoxicated people act on anger they would otherwise contain. It is a theoretical review pulling experimental work together rather than a single study. It describes one particular state, and extending the same narrowing logic to tiredness or stress is a reasonable guess rather than a finding.
Giancola PR, Josephs RA, Parrott DJ, Duke AA. (2010). Perspectives on psychological science : a journal of the Association for Psychological Science · doi
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Why it works. Your capacity to choose depends on the state you are in, and states can be arranged for.
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none yet3You are free while you are still weighing something up, and once you have chosen you carry that choice until the next one comes round. So the useful thing is to have more of those moments, not to make one perfect decision.
Treat a hard evening as a run of small forks rather than one big test you pass or fail. Reply now or in an hour. Say the sentence or leave it. Stay in the kitchen or step outside. Each fork you actually notice hands you the steering for a second, and going the wrong way at one of them is not the end, because another is coming.
Islamic evidence
Repel evil with good (Quran 23:96). It is put as one move to make at the time, and it is there again the next time, and the time after that.
“Repel evil with good- We are well aware of what they attribute to Us”
Qur'an 23:96
Psychological evidence
In a randomised laboratory experiment, people who recalled an anger provoking event ended up in quite different places depending on how they thought about it, with reinterpreting bringing anger down and going over it keeping anger up. What you do with the memory mattered more than whether it turned up. It was a single session with a recalled event in volunteers, so it is a demonstration rather than a treatment.
Ray RD, Wilhelm FH, Gross JJ. (2008). Journal of personality and social psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. More forks noticed means more chances to go a different way.
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none yet4There is no point reasoning with yourself while you are still lit up. Wake the part of you that does the reasoning first, then hand it the problem.
Under real arousal the clever reframes you learned are simply not available, which is why they seem to evaporate exactly when they are needed. Something has to come first: slower breathing, cold water on the wrists, standing up, a short walk, a moment of remembrance. Think of it as tapping someone on the shoulder before you ask them a question.
Islamic evidence
Seek help through steadfastness and prayer, for God is with the steadfast (Quran 2:153). Turning to something steadying comes first, and thinking your way through comes after.
“You who believe, seek help through steadfastness and prayer, for God is with the steadfast”
Qur'an 2:153
Psychological evidence
In an experiment with 200 police recruits, a task that drained self control raised their stated intention to use force in a video scenario, which fits the idea that the deliberate machinery is weakest when demand is highest. It was one experiment with a specific group, and the wider energy account of self control has been contested. Take it as a reason to settle first rather than as a proven mechanism.
Staller MS, Müller M, Christiansen P, Zaiser B, Körner S, Cole JC. (2019). Aggressive behavior · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A tool is no use to a part of you that is not currently switched on.
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none yet5There is a difference between stepping out and storming out, and most of it sits in whether the other person knows you are coming back.
Two failures sit either side of this one. The first is staying in the room until something is said that cannot be unsaid. The second is going quiet and cold, which feels like restraint from the inside and like a wall from the outside. What you are aiming at is leaving the argument without leaving the person.
Islamic evidence
Turn away from them and say, 'Peace': they will come to know (Quran 43:89). Turning away comes paired with a word of peace, and that pairing is what keeps it from being a slammed door.
“but turn away from them and say, ‘Peace’: they will come to know”
Qur'an 43:89
Psychological evidence
A meta-analysis of how emotion regulation strategies relate to each other found that they group into broad families of engaging with a situation or turning away from it, so the useful question is often which stance you are taking rather than which technique. Stepping out and shutting down can look alike from outside and sit in different families. The analysis is about how strategies cluster, not about how couples fare, so treat it as a way of thinking rather than a finding about relationships.
Naragon-Gainey K, McMahon TP, Chacko TP. (2017). Psychological bulletin · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A short, announced break brings your body down without telling the other person they no longer matter.