1Fighting your own anger tends to make it louder. The part of you that flares does better treated as something to work with than something to defeat.
In the moment that can be as small as thinking, there you are, instead of, not this again. Pushing it under works for a while and then it arrives with interest. Letting it be present while you decline to act on it is the harder trade and the better one.
Islamic evidence
lower your wings over the believers (Quran 15:88). The gentleness you are asked to show other people has to start with how you handle what rises in you.
“Do not look longingly at the good things We have given some to enjoy. Do not grieve over the [disbelievers], but lower your wings over the believers”
Qur'an 15:88
Psychological evidence
In a randomised field experiment, working adults who took up loving kindness meditation had more positive emotion day by day, and those days accumulated into lasting personal resources. Warmth practised on purpose did more than lift the hour it was practised in. This is one study of one practice with working adults, not a general law about befriending your anger.
Fredrickson BL, Cohn MA, Coffey KA, Pek J, Finkel SM. (2008). Journal of personality and social psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. What you brace against you hold on to, and what you allow to be there tends to pass sooner.
Feedback
none yet2Sitting practice teaches four useful things about anger: everything passes, the senses are calmer ground than the story, you do not have to attend to every thought, and you are not the words you use about yourself.
Take them one at a time. When something flares, the quickest of the four is usually the second: put your attention on your feet or the sound of the room and let the commentary run without you in it. The aim is not to feel peaceful. It is to be somewhere other than inside the argument you are having with yourself.
Islamic evidence
soon the plants turn to dry stubble scattered about by the wind (Quran 18:45). What looks permanent while it is green is already on its way to being scattered, this mood included.
“Tell them, too, what the life of this world is like: We send water down from the skies and the earth’s vegetation absorbs it, but soon the plants turn to dry stubble scattered about by the wind: God has power over everything”
Qur'an 18:45
Psychological evidence
In a randomised laboratory experiment comparing mindful breathing with progressive muscle relaxation and loving kindness meditation, only mindful breathing produced greater decentering and less negative reaction to repetitive thoughts. That is close to a direct test of the not minding your own mind part. It was a single short session in a laboratory, so it shows the effect exists rather than how long it lasts.
Feldman G, Greeson J, Senville J. (2010). Behaviour research and therapy · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Attention spent on the senses is attention not being spent rehearsing the offence.
Feedback
none yet3Nobody has to send kind wishes to the person who hurt them, least of all on somebody else's schedule. If that step is being pushed on you, you can decline it and keep the rest of the practice.
Reaching for warmth toward someone who did real harm can bring shame, or a flood of the original event, or the queasy sense of having been talked into forgiving. None of that is progress. If you ever want to go there, it belongs after safety and steadiness, it is your choice and not the practice's, and it is not the same thing as going back to them.
Islamic evidence
I plead my grief and sorrow before God (Quran 12:86). Ya'qub takes the weight to God rather than to the people who caused it, which is a real option when warmth is not available.
“He said, ‘I plead my grief and sorrow before God. I have knowledge from God that you do not have”
Qur'an 12:86
Psychological evidence
The clearest anger result in this area comes from a pilot randomised trial where an eight week loving kindness programme reduced both pain and anger in people with chronic low back pain. That was a small pilot with people who chose to take part. It is a long way from evidence that anyone should be steered toward warmth for a person who harmed them.
Carson JW, Keefe FJ, Lynch TR, Carson KM, Goli V, Fras AM, Thorp SR. (2005). Journal of holistic nursing : official journal of the American Holistic Nurses' Association · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Forcing a feeling you do not have teaches you to distrust your own signals, which is the opposite of what this work is for.
When not to. If you are a survivor of abuse or of a violent relationship, do not attempt this without a therapist who knows your history.
Feedback
none yet4Have three or four openers ready before you need them. For what it is worth. Can I run something by you. You might not like this, so give me the benefit of the doubt.
When you are stirred up you will not compose diplomatic language on the spot, so the phrases have to be picked in advance and worn in. Say them aloud a few times when nothing is happening, until they sound like you rather than like a script. In the moment you are only reaching for one, not inventing it.
Islamic evidence
God is enough for us: He is the best protector (Quran 3:173). The verse records people meeting fear with words they already had, which is why a line is worth learning before the day you need it.
“Those whose faith only increased when people said, ‘Fear your enemy: they have amassed a great army against you,’ and who replied, ‘God is enough for us: He is the best protector,’”
Qur'an 3:173
Psychological evidence
A randomised trial with 234 adults who had problems with anger tested brief therapist supported internet treatments: mindful emotion awareness alone, reappraisal alone, and the two together. Short structured practice can shift anger. The trial tested those skills rather than prepared phrases, so it supports the general approach and not this exact wording.
Bjureberg J, Ojala O, Berg A, Edvardsson E, Kolbeinsson Ö, Molander O, Morin E, Nordgren L, Palme K, Särnholm J, Wedin L, Rück C, Gross JJ, Hesser H. (2023). Journal of consulting and clinical psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A prepared opener lowers the other person's guard and buys you a second before the sharp version arrives.