1You do not have to win the argument in your head before your body is allowed to settle. The two run on separate tracks and you can work on either.
Plenty of people stay locked in the thinking, sure that once the question is finally answered the shaking will stop. It rarely happens in that order. Walk, breathe out slowly, put your hands under warm water, and let the body come down with the question still open. The question tends to be easier to answer afterwards anyway.
Islamic evidence
when afflicted with a calamity, We belong to God and to Him we shall return (Quran 2:156). Short words to say, given instead of a settled argument.
“those who say, when afflicted with a calamity, ‘We belong to God and to Him we shall return.’”
Qur'an 2:156
Psychological evidence
In a laboratory experiment, getting people to worry rather than relax changed how their heart and autonomic system responded to a later stressor, in healthy volunteers, high worriers and people with generalised anxiety disorder alike, with worry linked to blunted reactivity. Thinking and body clearly speak to each other. It was a controlled task in a small sample, so it shows the link rather than how large it is in daily life.
Fisher AJ, Newman MG. (2013). Biological psychology · doi
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Why it works. Settling the body does not depend on the thought being resolved first.
Feedback
none yet2There is a difference between being disappointed with how things are and having given up on how things will be. The second needs a different level of care.
Disappointment still has a future attached to it: this is bad, and later might not be. Hopelessness has closed that off. If you hear someone move from complaining about now to writing off what is coming, or you hear it in yourself, do not wait it out. Ask directly and gently whether they have been thinking of hurting themselves. Asking does not put the idea there.
Islamic evidence
My servants who have harmed yourselves by your own excess, do not despair of God's mercy (Quran 39:53). The instruction is aimed precisely at people who feel they have already ruined things.
“Say, ‘[God says], My servants who have harmed yourselves by your own excess, do not despair of God’s mercy. God forgives all sins: He is truly the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful”
Qur'an 39:53
Psychological evidence
Pooled analyses of trial data have been used to set the symptom thresholds at which response and remission get counted in depression, panic, social anxiety and generalised anxiety. Where a person sits is treated as something to measure rather than something to sense. That work defines cut off points for research, and it does not by itself tell you when someone in front of you needs urgent help.
Bandelow B, Baldwin DS, Dolberg OT, Andersen HF, Stein DJ. (2006). The Journal of clinical psychiatry · doi
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Why it works. Losing the sense that there is a future is what turns low mood into real danger.
When not to. If someone is thinking about ending their life, this is past what a conversation can hold: contact a crisis line, a doctor or emergency services the same day.
Feedback
none yet3For some people the racing heart arrives before any thought at all, and the frightening explanation follows the sensation. If that is you, there is no thought to catch, so start with the body.
Build the physical steadying first, at a quiet time when nothing is happening, so that something is ready to reach for when it does. Slow breathing out, cold water, a walk, whatever you can practise most days. Once the body has somewhere to go, the thinking work becomes possible. Doing it the other way round tends to fail and then feel like your fault.
Islamic evidence
I plead my grief and sorrow before God (Quran 12:86). The distress is taken somewhere before it is explained or argued with.
“He said, ‘I plead my grief and sorrow before God. I have knowledge from God that you do not have”
Qur'an 12:86
Psychological evidence
Two meta-analyses found cognitive therapy and relaxation therapy performed about as well as each other for generalised anxiety disorder, which is a reason not to assume the thinking work is the essential ingredient. There is a catch, though. A laboratory study found relaxation training can raise anxiety in some people with generalised anxiety disorder or depression, apparently because letting the guard down feels like a drop into being vulnerable. So the body route is well supported and it is not automatically the gentle option.
Siev J, Chambless DL. (2007). Journal of consulting and clinical psychology · doi
Kim H, Newman MG. (2019). Journal of affective disorders · doi
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Why it works. When the sensation comes first, you need something that works on the sensation.
When not to. If breathing or relaxation exercises reliably leave you feeling worse, stop practising them alone and take that to a therapist, since it is a known pattern with known ways around it.