1Two weeks away is the point to stop waiting and ask for help. A year away is beyond what one appointment a week can carry.
Short absences often sort themselves out. Once a fortnight has gone, the pattern has usually begun to set, and the amount of practice needed to undo it grows with every week after that. If it has been many months, ask about something more intensive than a weekly session, because the arithmetic is unforgiving: coming back takes repeated goes at the frightening thing, and an hour on a Tuesday does not supply enough of them.
Islamic evidence
We shall be sure to guide to Our ways those who strive hard for Our cause: God is with those who do good (Quran 29:69). Asking for more help is part of striving, not an admission that you failed.
“But We shall be sure to guide to Our ways those who strive hard for Our cause: God is with those who do good”
Qur'an 29:69
Psychological evidence
A meta-analysis of 75 childhood anxiety trials found that treatments weighted towards exposure, meaning actually approaching the feared thing, did better than those weighted towards anxiety management. It pools trials that differ a good deal from each other, so the comparison is broad rather than precise. It is still a fair basis for asking how much real practice a proposed plan will contain.
Whiteside SPH, Sim LA, Morrow AS, Farah WH, Hilliker DR, Murad MH, Wang Z. (2020). Clinical child and family psychology review · doi
Review detail
Why it works. The longer something has been avoided, the more practice at approaching it is needed to catch up.
Feedback
none yet2Avoiding something makes today easier and tomorrow harder. Say that plainly, to yourself and to whoever is in it with you.
Without that sentence, asking someone to face a frightening thing looks like cruelty, and every conversation about it goes badly. With it, the choice comes into view: a hard hour now, or a fear that quietly grows while you wait. It helps to be specific about the price, so it becomes a real account of what these months of staying away have cost rather than a vague warning.
Islamic evidence
The death you run away from will come to meet you (Quran 62:8). Running is named here as something that does not remove what is being run from.
“so say, ‘The death you run away from will come to meet you and you will be returned to the One who knows the unseen as well as the seen: He will tell you everything you have done.’”
Qur'an 62:8
Psychological evidence
In a randomised experiment, 30 people asked to carry out health related precautions for a week ended up more worried about their health than those who were not. It is a small study with volunteers rather than patients, so hold the size of the effect lightly. What it shows well is the shape of the thing: the protective behaviour did not settle the fear, it fed it.
Olatunji BO, Etzel EN, Tomarken AJ, Ciesielski BG, Deacon B. (2011). Behaviour research and therapy · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Each escape buys relief now and pays for it with a bigger fear later.
Feedback
none yet3Nobody is asking you to go cold. Comfort your child properly, and watch where it lands: alongside them as they go, rather than waiting for them if they stay.
A hug at the door and a hand on the back on the way to the car sit on the side of going. A whole afternoon of being looked after because they did not manage it sits on the other side, however natural it feels. The question to hold is what the warmth is attached to, rather than how much of it there is.
Islamic evidence
We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But give good news to those who are steadfast (Quran 2:155). The hardship is not removed and the comfort is not withheld, and that balance is what a parent is being asked for.
“We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But [Prophet], give good news to those who are steadfast”
Qur'an 2:155
Psychological evidence
An empirical review of acceptance and commitment therapy for anxiety and obsessive compulsive problems found psychological flexibility, as measured by the standard questionnaire, is consistently related to anxiety. Most of that evidence is cross-sectional and leans on one self-report scale with known weaknesses. The implication is modest: flexibility is the aim, which argues against rigid rules in either direction, whether comfort at any cost or none at all.
Bluett EJ, Homan KJ, Morrison KL, Levin ME, Twohig MP. (2014). Journal of anxiety disorders · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Comfort given while someone approaches a hard thing helps them approach it, and comfort given for getting out of it teaches getting out of it.