1Try not to talk the worry through in detail, even with someone kind. Going over the specifics feels like sorting it out, and it is closer to watering it.
Mental review and asking for reassurance are the same move in different clothes. Both give a short drop in distress and a stronger pull next time. You can tell someone you are having a hard hour without narrating what the hour is about, and if they ask, one sentence is enough.
Islamic evidence
truly it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find peace (Quran 13:28). There is somewhere else to put the restlessness that is not another round of going over it.
“those who have faith and whose hearts find peace in the remembrance of God- truly it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find peace”
Qur'an 13:28
Psychological evidence
In an experiment using health-related triggers, patients who were allowed to check and seek reassurance stayed anxious, while those asked to refrain saw their anxiety fall. That is fairly direct evidence that the relief-seeking act is what keeps the fear alive. It was a single experimental study built around health worry, so read it as a demonstration of the mechanism rather than the last word on it.
Abramowitz JS, Moore EL. (2007). Behaviour research and therapy · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Relief arriving straight after checking teaches your brain that checking is what saved you.
Feedback
none yet2When the words for feelings are not there, ask for a number instead. How much did the handwashing take over this week, one to ten, is a question someone can answer on a bad day.
A number asks far less of a person than a description, which matters when putting feelings into language is hard for them, and you still end up with something you can both track week to week. It also lets someone report a rough week without handing over the details of it. Keep the wording the same each time so the numbers mean something.
Islamic evidence
God does not burden any soul with more than it can bear (Quran 2:286). Asking for a number rather than an account is asking for something a person can actually give today.
“God does not burden any soul with more than it can bear: each gains whatever good it has done, and suffers its bad- ‘ Lord, do not take us to task if we forget or make mistakes. Lord, do not burden us as You burdened those before us. Lord, do not burden us…”
Qur'an 2:286
Psychological evidence
A meta-analysis pooling randomised trials across all ages found that cognitive behavioural therapy built around exposure and response prevention produces a large reduction in obsessive-compulsive symptoms compared with control conditions. Ratings are one of the ways into that kind of structured work, giving you something to grade steps against. The evidence is for the treatment, not for asking the question this way, which has not been tested on its own.
Reid JE, Laws KR, Drummond L, Vismara M, Grancini B, Mpavaenda D, Fineberg NA. (2021). Comprehensive psychiatry · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A number is easier to give than a description, so you get an answer instead of a shrug.
Feedback
none yet3Agree a short phrase to use at home. Saying I am having OCD worries tells a parent what is going on without handing them the worry to solve.
Once a parent hears the details they will nearly always try to help by answering, and answering is the thing that feeds it. A label gives them something else to do: sit with you, put the kettle on, remind you of what you both agreed. It turns the person most likely to keep it going into the person best placed to help.
Islamic evidence
Lord, I take refuge with You from the goadings of the evil ones (Quran 23:97). Having a short phrase ready for the moment of goading is an old idea, and having it ready is half the work.
“and say, ‘Lord, I take refuge with You from the goadings of the evil ones”
Qur'an 23:97
Psychological evidence
A meta-analysis of fifteen studies found that bringing a partner or family member into treatment for adults with obsessive-compulsive disorder improved symptom outcomes. The evidence base is small but it points consistently one way. Those studies brought family into structured treatment rather than testing an agreed phrase at home, so the phrase is one way of doing something that has support in general.
Stewart KE, Sumantry D, Malivoire BL. (2020). Journal of affective disorders · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A parent who is never given the content has no reassurance to supply.