Areas › Anger
Anger
Almost nobody wants to be the person who says the thing they cannot take back. The window between the surge and the words is short and it can be widened. That is most of what this area is about, along with the fear or hurt that anger is usually protecting.
What works for this
Anger control, with distress tolerance
Anger has a runway, and the earlier you step onto it the less force you need. The work is in the seconds before, not in the explosion, and it starts with the body rather than the thought.
One move, today
Name the first physical sign you get. Jaw, chest, hands, heat in the face. That sign is your only warning, and noticing it is the whole skill.
What matches
5 practicesVolume gets heard as aggression even when it is only urgency. Someone raising their voice is often just trying to be heard.
It runs in both directions. When you push your own volume up to make a point land, what arrives at the other person is an attack, and they answer the…
Before you decide someone is having a go at you, go looking for the boring physical explanation. A good deal of the time it is right there.
Ears blocked by headphones, a phone about to die, somebody who has not eaten since breakfast. Make the alternative concrete, because a vague thought…
Do not only correct the thought, correct the sentence. Rather than do not shout at me, try can you take those off, I want to talk to you.
Telling yourself to stay calm gives you nothing to do, and the ready-made sharp line is still the only thing in your mouth. A plain request gives all…
Not taking things personally is a question rather than a personality. The question is short: was that aimed at me, or was I simply standing there?
A lot of what lands on you was already travelling. The bad mood was made at work, or three years ago, or by whoever spoke to them just before you…
When somebody's voice climbs, let yours stay where it is. Staying level is not backing down, and in the room it usually reads as the stronger position.
Slow breathing, standing still, looking interested rather than braced: none of that is passive and none of it is agreement. An argument escalates…