If it is heavier than any of that

If you are having thoughts of ending your life, or of harming yourself, please treat that as urgent today rather than as part of a spiritual state.

Call your local emergency number, go to your nearest emergency department, ring a crisis line in your country, or tell someone who is in the room with you and stay near them.

That is not a failure of faith and it is not something to work through quietly. It is a reason to get help quickly rather than slowly.