1Say it plainly whenever you teach anything: the way I am showing you this is not the way it has to be done. Change it until it works for you.
Anyone who has failed at the standard version of something several times will not try again unless they are told clearly that adapting it is allowed. Without that, the first awkward attempt simply confirms what they already believe about themselves. Give the permission before they start rather than afterwards, and ask later what they changed. What comes back is often better than what you offered.
Islamic evidence
God does not burden any soul with more than He has given it (Quran 65:7). What is asked is fitted to the person, so fitting a practice to a person is in good company.
“and let the wealthy man spend according to his wealth. But let him whose provision is restricted spend according to what God has given him: God does not burden any soul with more than He has given it- after hardship, God will bring ease”
Qur'an 65:7
Psychological evidence
In a randomised trial, brief mindfulness after a stressor raised heart rate variability in ordinary participants but not in people high in maladaptive perfectionism. The same practice, delivered the same way, did different things to different people. It is one study of one trait, and it is reasonable grounds for holding any protocol loosely.
Azam MA, Katz J, Fashler SR, Changoor T, Azargive S, Ritvo P. (2015). International journal of psychophysiology : official journal of the International Organization of Psychophysiology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. People who expect to fail at a technique need to hear there is no wrong way to do it before they will risk trying.
Feedback
none yet2If getting to the appointment frightened you, then you have already done the first hard thing. Walking in and talking to a stranger about yourself is the ladder, not the preparation for it.
Nobody watching later can see it. What they see is someone sitting there talking, and they miss the week of dread and the near cancellation. Say it plainly to yourself, or to the person you brought with you: this was the first rung and it is behind me now. Early on it is often the only success available, so it is worth counting properly.
Islamic evidence
If you do good, openly or in secret (Quran 4:149). The struggle nobody saw on the way to that appointment is not diminished by having gone unwitnessed.
“If you do good, openly or in secret, or if you pardon something bad,then God is most forgiving and powerful”
Qur'an 4:149
Psychological evidence
A systematic review and meta-analysis found that shame about being seen as mentally unwell, particularly the stigma a person turns on themselves, was associated with being less likely to seek help, though the pooled effects were modest. A further review of ninety seven studies found minority communities often carried higher public and self stigma, with worry about how the family would be seen forming part of the burden. Against that, getting yourself through the door is not a small act.
Schnyder N, Panczak R, Groth N, Schultze-Lutter F. (2017). The British journal of psychiatry : the journal of mental science · doi
Misra S, Jackson VW, Chong J, Choe K, Tay C, Wong J, Yang LH. (2021). American journal of community psychology · doi
Review detail
Why it works. Naming what you have already done gives the next step something to stand on.
Feedback
none yet3Offer school again at ten, and at eleven, and after lunch. One refusal at half past seven should not be allowed to decide the whole day.
Morning dread usually peaks around the time they would be leaving and then drains away over a couple of hours. A child who could not face it at half past seven can often manage third period, and will almost never suggest that themselves. Keep the offer open, ask lightly, take no for an answer each time without a row, and mean it when you ask again.
Islamic evidence
My sons, go and seek news of Joseph and his brother and do not despair of God's mercy (Quran 12:87). Jacob sends them out again after years of nothing, which is roughly the patience this asks for.
“My sons, go and seek news of Joseph and his brother and do not despair of God’s mercy- only disbelievers despair of God’s mercy.’”
Qur'an 12:87
Psychological evidence
Reviews of exposure written from an inhibitory learning view argue that the work is done by finding out the expected disaster did not happen, and that this is only learned by going towards the thing. These are theoretical reviews assembling laboratory and clinical evidence, not trials of hourly offers. Read at that level, each fresh offer is another chance for the prediction to be tested rather than confirmed.
Craske MG, Treanor M, Conway CC, Zbozinek T, Vervliet B. (2014). Behaviour research and therapy · doi
Review detail
Why it works. The fear comes down as the morning goes on, so leaving the door open catches the hour when going in becomes possible.
Feedback
none yet4Your body gets up in the morning and your mind often does not. Half a day can go by in a sort of waking dream, and whatever meets you in it gets the sleepwalker's answer.
So make waking the moment you decide something, before the day has handed you anything to react to. Thirty seconds on the edge of the bed will do: today I will notice once before I answer. Hanging it on something that already happens every morning means you never have to remember to find a time for it.
Islamic evidence
Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not wish that God should forgive you? (Quran 24:22). Deciding to overlook things is far easier at the start of a day than in the middle of one, while nobody has done anything yet.
“Those who have been graced with bounty and plenty should not swear that they will [no longer] give to kinsmen, the poor, those who emigrated in God’s way: let them pardon and forgive. Do you not wish that God should forgive you? God is most forgiving and…”
Qur'an 24:22
Psychological evidence
In a survey of 286 adults aged 18 to 88, older adults reported letting anger out less and dwelling on emotional events less, and those differences related to their well being, which suggests these patterns are not fixed for life. What it cannot tell you is whether a morning intention shifts them, since nobody tested that. It is offered as a reason to think the settings move at all.
Phillips LH, Phillips LH, Henry JD, Hosie JA, Milne AB. (2006). Aging & mental health · doi
Review detail
Why it works. A moment that comes round on its own is the easiest place to hang a new intention.
Feedback
none yet5Before anyone does something exposing, let them check their own conditions and give them a clean way to say no. A public yes given under pressure is not really a yes.
It can be as ordinary as asking someone to consider whether they have the privacy, the time and the state of mind for this today. Ask it first and whoever declines has not failed in front of anybody. It costs a minute, and it is the difference between practice a person chose and something that happened to them.
Islamic evidence
Seek help with steadfastness and prayer, though this is hard indeed for anyone but the humble (Quran 2:45). The difficulty is stated openly, which is a good model for how to ask someone whether they are ready.
“Seek help with steadfastness and prayer- though this is hard indeed for anyone but the humble”
Qur'an 2:45
Psychological evidence
In 125 male veterans with post traumatic stress and anger difficulties, group anger management delivered by videoconference did as well as the same therapy given in person. The conditions of delivery clearly matter enough to be studied, and they can be got right. That trial compared formats rather than testing how people were prepared beforehand.
Leslie A. Morland; Carolyn J. Greene; Craig S. Rosen; David W. Foy; Patrick M. Reilly; Jay H. Shore (2010). The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry · doi
Review detail
Why it works. People can stay with something difficult when they know they are free to stop.
Feedback
none yet6Before someone has said a word, you have often already decided what they are: only here because they were made to come, not really interested, wasting your time. That decision changes how the meeting goes.
The person sent by a court, or pushed into the room by a partner or a manager, walks in already read. Try starting the hour with nothing written: no history of what people like this are usually like, no forecast of how it will end. Notice the moment you catch yourself predicting them, and go back to what they are actually saying. This is as much for anyone meeting a difficult relative as for a clinician.
Islamic evidence
If they turn away, say, God is enough for me: there is no god but Him; I put my trust in Him (Quran 9:129). Even someone turning away is met with trust rather than with a verdict about them.
“If they turn away, [Prophet], say ,‘God is enough for me: there is no god but Him; I put my trust in Him; He is the Lord of the Mighty Throne.’”
Qur'an 9:129
Psychological evidence
In a cross-sectional study using structural equation modelling, higher trait mindfulness went with less anger, hostility and aggression, and lower rumination partly explained the link. The relevant piece is that hostility travels with a habit of mind, which applies to the helper in the room as much as to anybody else. The data were gathered at a single point in time, so this shows what goes together, not what causes what.
Borders A, Earleywine M, Jajodia A. (2010). Aggressive behavior · doi
Review detail
Why it works. People can feel when you have already made your mind up, and they behave like the person you expect.