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Areas › Focus, starting, and ADHD › Shame and stigma
This is why behaviour people shrugged at last year gets a sharp response now, without anything about you having changed. Worth knowing, because the usual conclusion is that they have decided you are a bad person. More often they have simply run out of a patience they never knew was finite. Where you can, spend the allowance on purpose: protect the arrivals that matter most to the people who matter most.
Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not wish that God should forgive you? (Quran 24:22). The question is put to the one holding the grievance, which is worth knowing when you are the one being counted.
النور
وَلَا يَأۡتَلِ أُوْلُواْ ٱلۡفَضۡلِ مِنكُمۡ وَٱلسَّعَةِ أَن يُؤۡتُوٓاْ أُوْلِي ٱلۡقُرۡبَىٰ وَٱلۡمَسَٰكِينَ وَٱلۡمُهَٰجِرِينَ فِي سَبِيلِ ٱللَّهِۖ وَلۡيَعۡفُواْ وَلۡيَصۡفَحُوٓاْۗ أَلَا تُحِبُّونَ أَن يَغۡفِرَ ٱللَّهُ لَكُمۡۚ وَٱللَّهُ غَفُورࣱ رَّحِيمٌ
Those who have been graced with bounty and plenty should not swear that they will [no longer] give to kinsmen, the poor, those who emigrated in God’s way: let them pardon and forgive. Do you not wish that God should forgive you? God is most forgiving and merciful
Qur’an 24:22read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A nationally representative survey measured how much social distance people wanted from children and adolescents with mental health problems, and identified what shapes that preference. It shows such distance is patterned and predictable rather than personal. It measures attitudes to a label rather than reactions to lateness, so take it as background rather than an account of your own family.
Martin JK, Pescosolido BA, Olafsdottir S, McLeod JD. (2007). The construction of fear: Americans' preferences for social distance from children and adolescents with mental health problems.. Journal of health and social behavior doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Tolerance runs down with repetition, so how often costs you more than any single occasion does.
Once you have a reputation for being late or forgetful, people begin watching for it. The rate of your mistakes may not have moved at all, and the number that get noticed keeps climbing.
Getting your ordinary life a bit calmer is worth doing for its own sake. More sleep, a little more structure, food that is not all improvised. Not perfect, just good enough to work with.
When you have stopped believing you can change anything, the reflex is to avoid and to scroll. What breaks that is not encouragement, it is one small thing actually finished.