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Areas › Focus, starting, and ADHD › Remembering to do it
Getting out of it usually means the monitoring comes down first, which feels like the wrong direction to whoever is doing the monitoring. A workable trade is a fixed half hour each week to go through what is due together, in return for no spot checks in between. The checking becomes something you both agreed to rather than something one of you does to the other.
Consult with them about matters, then, when you have decided on a course of action, put your trust in God (Quran 3:159). Consulting and then trusting is a different sequence from watching.
آل عمران
فَبِمَا رَحۡمَةࣲ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ لِنتَ لَهُمۡۖ وَلَوۡ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ ٱلۡقَلۡبِ لَٱنفَضُّواْ مِنۡ حَوۡلِكَۖ فَٱعۡفُ عَنۡهُمۡ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لَهُمۡ وَشَاوِرۡهُمۡ فِي ٱلۡأَمۡرِۖ فَإِذَا عَزَمۡتَ فَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱللَّهِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُتَوَكِّلِينَ
By an act of mercy from God, you [Prophet] were gentle in your dealings with them- had you been harsh, or hard-hearted, they would have dispersed and left you- so pardon them and ask forgiveness for them. Consult with them about matters, then, when you have decided on a course of action, put your trust in God: God loves those who put their trust in Him
Qur’an 3:159read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A Cochrane review examined personalised care planning, a structured conversation in which patient and clinician agree goals and actions together, for adults with long term conditions. The part worth borrowing is the format: a scheduled joint conversation about what needs to happen, rather than one party supervising the other. It was health care rather than couples, so treat it as a shape to copy rather than evidence about relationships.
Coulter A, Entwistle VA, Eccles A, Ryan S, Shepperd S, Perera R. (2015). Personalised care planning for adults with chronic or long-term health conditions.. The Cochrane database of systematic reviews doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Surveillance raises the price of owning up, and when owning up costs more, people conceal more.
If the checking has become constant, or either of you is frightened of how the other will react, that is worth taking to someone outside the relationship.
Add up what forgetting costs you in money over a year. Late fees, the higher interest that comes with a dented credit score, next day delivery bought at eleven at night for a birthday you have known about since January.
Notice how often a forgotten job turns up in the shower, or halfway up a flight of stairs. That is not coincidence: when nothing is holding your attention, the things you meant to do float up.
When someone hands you a date, the useful move is not writing the date down. Open your calendar there and then and decide the hour the work will actually happen.