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Areas › Focus, starting, and ADHD › Feelings and focus
In the middle of an argument that second thought is simply not available, and its absence is not a failure of character. It comes back as the arousal drops, which is the argument for a pause rather than for pushing through. Twenty minutes apart, with something physical if that helps, and then the conversation you were trying to have becomes possible.
'who forgive when they are angry' (Quran 42:37). The two sit in the same sentence, so being angry and being fair are not treated as alternatives.
الشورى
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَجۡتَنِبُونَ كَبَٰٓئِرَ ٱلۡإِثۡمِ وَٱلۡفَوَٰحِشَ وَإِذَا مَا غَضِبُواْ هُمۡ يَغۡفِرُونَ
who shun great sins and gross indecencies; who forgive when they are angry
Qur’an 42:37read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A meta-analysis of imaging studies found that reappraising an emotional situation brings in frontal and parietal control regions which then modulate the amygdala's response. Put plainly, the perspective taking part and the alarm part are connected, and the control heavy one is the easier of the two to overwhelm. Imaging averages describe the machinery, they do not tell you how long your own pause needs to be.
Buhle JT, Silvers JA, Wager TD, Lopez R, Onyemekwu C, Kober H, Weber J, Ochsner KN. (2014). Cognitive reappraisal of emotion: a meta-analysis of human neuroimaging studies.. Cerebral cortex (New York, N.Y. : 1991) doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Seeing the other person's side needs a calmer body than you have in the middle of a row.
If you tell people that company is part of their treatment, it is worth noticing whether it is part of yours. Sitting in a training room with colleagues is the same medicine, taken by you.
You may not get to be a calmer person any time soon. What can change quickly is what you do in the twenty minutes after you lose your temper, and that is the part people remember.
Put something small at stake and you turn up more. Groups that charge a token amount get better attendance than free ones, and the same trick works on yourself.