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Areas › Focus, starting, and ADHD › Feelings and focus
It changes what lands. If they know in advance that the heat is real but the words are unreliable, they can wait for the version that arrives twenty minutes later rather than taking the first one to bed with them. Your half of the deal is coming back with the accurate version every time, so that the agreement stays true rather than becoming a permission slip.
'who restrain their anger and pardon people' (Quran 3:134). Both halves are wanted here, your restraint and their pardon, and neither one covers for the absence of the other.
آل عمران
ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلۡكَٰظِمِينَ ٱلۡغَيۡظَ وَٱلۡعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُحۡسِنِينَ
who give, both in prosperity and adversity, who restrain their anger and pardon people- God loves those who do good
Qur’an 3:134read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A research review argued that ADHD is better understood by treating emotion and its regulation as two interacting components rather than reading everything off executive difficulties. That gives a fair basis for describing intensity as part of how you are put together. It is a proposal about the condition, and it says nothing about what you are responsible for, which is all of it.
Martel MM. (2009). Research review: a new perspective on attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: emotion dysregulation and trait models.. Journal of child psychology and psychiatry, and allied disciplines doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Knowing in advance that hot words are unreliable takes some of the threat out of hearing them.
This is an explanation and not a licence, and it does not cover words that are contemptuous or frightening.
Turning the volume down on a feeling in front of the wrong audience is not being fake. Being annoyed with your manager and raising it mildly is a skill, and it keeps you employed.
Being good at apologising is a real skill, and it loses value each time the same apology comes round. After a while what repairs things is something visibly different, not a better sentence.
If rating a feeling out of ten means nothing to you, use something that does. Colour in bubbles, point at a picture, hold your hands apart to show how big it is today.