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Areas › Anger › What anger actually is
A flare passes in minutes. Something you have been going over for a fortnight can arrive somewhere far worse, because you have had time to build the case and to picture what you would say or do. If you notice a grievance being polished, treat that as the signal to take it somewhere, to a friend or to someone whose job it is, rather than as harmless thinking.
leave no malice in our hearts towards those who believe (Quran 59:10). What stays in the heart after the incident is treated as its own matter, worth asking to be relieved of.
الحشر
وَٱلَّذِينَ جَآءُو مِنۢ بَعۡدِهِمۡ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا ٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَلِإِخۡوَٰنِنَا ٱلَّذِينَ سَبَقُونَا بِٱلۡإِيمَٰنِ وَلَا تَجۡعَلۡ فِي قُلُوبِنَا غِلࣰّ ا لِّلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ رَبَّنَآ إِنَّكَ رَءُوفࣱ رَّحِيمٌ
Those who came after them say, ‘Lord, forgive us our sins and the sins of our brothers who believed before us, and leave no malice in our hearts towards those who believe. Lord, You are truly compassionate and merciful.’
Qur’an 59:10read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In three small experimental studies, dwelling on past provocations, guilty moments and sad times made those events feel as though they had happened more recently than they had. Rehearsing keeps the thing close, which is part of why an old insult can still feel present tense. They were small studies of remembered events rather than long grievances, so take it as an illustration.
Siedlecka E, Capper MM, Denson TF. (2015). Negative emotional events that people ruminate about feel closer in time.. PloS one doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Going over it keeps it alive and gives it room to grow instead of fading.
If you find yourself picturing how you would hurt someone, speak to somebody about it today rather than managing it alone.
Skills rehearsed in total calm tend to vanish at the moment you need them. Practise on something still slightly warm, a real incident from this week, close enough that you feel a little of it.
There is a difference between being afraid and being seen as afraid, and it is usually the second one people are defending. Worth asking which of the two is actually the problem.
Darwin once stood with his face against the glass in front of a viper, quite determined not to move, and jumped backwards anyway when it struck. Deciding in advance does not govern a startle.