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Areas › Anger › When anger turns to harm
Almost everybody who is furious has run some version of a scene in their head, and treating that as alarming only teaches people not to mention it. The shift worth watching for is rehearsal replacing daydream. Ask what the thought looks like now compared with a month ago, and whether anything has been got ready. The difference between wishing and preparing is usually visible if you actually ask.
If anger in your home has become frightening for anyone, self help is not the right tool. Please reach for real help.
Do not overstep the limits, for He sees everything you do (Quran 11:112). The warning is placed before the line rather than after it.
هود
فَٱسۡتَقِمۡ كَمَآ أُمِرۡتَ وَمَن تَابَ مَعَكَ وَلَا تَطۡغَوۡاْۚ إِنَّهُۥ بِمَا تَعۡمَلُونَ بَصِيرࣱ
So keep to the right course as you have been commanded, together with those who have turned to God with you. Do not overstep the limits, for He sees everything you do
Qur’an 11:112read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In a laboratory analogue, dwelling on anger combined with being intoxicated produced the highest partner aggression, while reappraisal acted as a brake. That gives some support to the idea that going over an angry scene again and again is not neutral, particularly alongside drink. It was a lab task rather than a real household, so take it as a hint about direction and not a measure of anyone's risk.
Watkins LE, DiLillo D, Maldonado RC. (2015). The interactive effects of emotion regulation and alcohol intoxication on lab-based intimate partner aggression.. Psychology of addictive behaviors : journal of the Society of Psychologists in Addictive Behaviors doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Preparing is already a step towards doing, while wishing on its own is not.
Where preparation has already started, this is not a matter for watchful waiting: get help the same day.
Harm that comes out of feeling threatened and harm that is done coldly, to get something, are not one problem wearing two faces. Before deciding what would help, work out which one you are looking at.
Whatever is driving it, behaviour that frightens someone is frightening. The reason behind it does not soften what it was like to stand on the other side of it.
Before anything else, take seriously what self-injury is doing for a person. Pain in the body can be easier to hold than pain in the mind, and a hurt you chose yourself can feel like control coming back.