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Areas › Anger › Choosing your response
Under real arousal the clever reframes you learned are simply not available, which is why they seem to evaporate exactly when they are needed. Something has to come first: slower breathing, cold water on the wrists, standing up, a short walk, a moment of remembrance. Think of it as tapping someone on the shoulder before you ask them a question.
Seek help through steadfastness and prayer, for God is with the steadfast (Quran 2:153). Turning to something steadying comes first, and thinking your way through comes after.
البقرة
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱسۡتَعِينُواْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ وَٱلصَّلَوٰةِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ مَعَ ٱلصَّٰبِرِينَ
You who believe, seek help through steadfastness and prayer, for God is with the steadfast
Qur’an 2:153read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In an experiment with 200 police recruits, a task that drained self control raised their stated intention to use force in a video scenario, which fits the idea that the deliberate machinery is weakest when demand is highest. It was one experiment with a specific group, and the wider energy account of self control has been contested. Take it as a reason to settle first rather than as a proven mechanism.
Staller MS, Müller M, Christiansen P, Zaiser B, Körner S, Cole JC. (2019). Ego depletion and the use of force: Investigating the effects of ego depletion on police officers' intention to use force.. Aggressive behavior doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
A tool is no use to a part of you that is not currently switched on.
You cannot talk yourself out of a state you are not in yet. Anything you want to have available when you are angry has to be practised, not merely understood.
Some triggers make no sense because the memory attached to them is long gone while the alarm is still wired in. A tone of voice, a particular shirt, the smell of dinner burning.
You are free while you are still deciding. The moment the words leave your mouth you are carrying out an order you gave, and stopping mid sentence is much harder than not starting.