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Areas › Anger › Practising under provocation
People often think they are being restrained when they go cold, and are then surprised by how frightened or defensive the other person becomes. If you have gone quiet because you do not trust what you would say, it costs very little to say that much out loud. Otherwise, soften what your face is doing, or leave the room properly instead of staying in it as a presence.
The servants of the Lord of Mercy are those who walk humbly on the earth, and who, when the foolish address them, reply, 'Peace' (Quran 25:63). A plain peaceable word is offered as the answer, and a cold silence is not that.
الفرقان
وَعِبَادُ ٱلرَّحۡمَٰنِ ٱلَّذِينَ يَمۡشُونَ عَلَى ٱلۡأَرۡضِ هَوۡنࣰ ا وَإِذَا خَاطَبَهُمُ ٱلۡجَٰهِلُونَ قَالُواْ سَلَٰمࣰ ا
The servants of the Lord of Mercy are those who walk humbly on the earth, and who, when the foolish address them, reply, ‘Peace’
Qur’an 25:63read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In a randomised controlled trial, training carers of people with dementia in how to handle daily situations improved the carers' skills and reduced aggressive behaviour in the people they were caring for. It shows how much the manner of the person nearby shapes what comes back. Those were carers in a particular and demanding situation, so read it as a reminder rather than a rule for every household.
Huang HL, Kuo LM, Chen YS, Liang J, Huang HL, Chiu YC, Chen ST, Sun Y, Hsu WC, Shyu YI. (2013). A home-based training program improves caregivers' skills and dementia patients' aggressive behaviors: a randomized controlled trial.. The American journal of geriatric psychiatry : official journal of the American Association for Geriatric Psychiatry doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Threat gets read off faces and gaze long before anyone reaches the words.
Another one: take a couple of extra items into the express lane and see what actually happens. Almost always it is a look and nothing more, which is worth learning first hand.
Let yourself be five minutes late to something that does not matter. Then ask how you would feel if a friend were five minutes late to you.
If you have someone safe to do it with, ask them to say the thing you dread being thought about you, on purpose, while you practise staying level.