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Areas › Anger › Practising under provocation
The mirror version of this exercise has someone hold a flattering thought about you while you sit with it and stay level. It feels odd, because few of us think of admiration as something to be steady about. But if your sense of yourself is handed out by other people, it makes little difference whether they happen to be kind or cruel that day.
Peace be with you, because you have remained steadfast. What an excellent reward is this home of yours! (Quran 13:24). The commendation that counts arrives from God at the end, not from the room you are standing in.
الرعد
سَلَٰمٌ عَلَيۡكُم بِمَا صَبَرۡتُمۡۚ فَنِعۡمَ عُقۡبَى ٱلدَّارِ
‘Peace be with you, because you have remained steadfast. What an excellent reward is this home of yours!’
Qur’an 13:24read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
The therapy tradition this comes from, which trains a lighter hold on your own thoughts rather than arguing them down, reduced aggressive behaviour in 101 adults reporting recent partner aggression when compared with a support and discussion group. That trial measured aggression and nothing about approval seeking. So the move to praise is an extension of the idea rather than something the trial showed.
Zarling A, Lawrence E, Marchman J. (2015). A randomized controlled trial of acceptance and commitment therapy for aggressive behavior.. Journal of consulting and clinical psychology doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Praise and criticism run on the same dependence, so training only one leaves the other in place.
Ask how settled you are and you will usually say fine. Look at your breathing instead, since it is generally more honest than the answer you give.
If your skin is very thin at the moment, do the first rounds in your head. Picture the slight, picture how you want to meet it, and let the real thing wait a while.
Almost everyone says the same thing afterwards, that the waiting was worse than the thing itself. Say it out loud in your own words, because your own words land differently from anyone else's reassurance.