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Areas › Anger › Cool the body first
Two people staring each other down are feeding one another, and each second of it raises both of them. Breaking that needs no words, which matters, because words are the first thing to go when you are this far up. Look at the floor, the window, the space beside them. You can say you are still listening if the silence needs covering.
Be patient with what they say (Quran 20:130). Patience is placed exactly where the provocation is, and looking away is what patience looks like in the body.
طه
فَٱصۡبِرۡ عَلَىٰ مَا يَقُولُونَ وَسَبِّحۡ بِحَمۡدِ رَبِّكَ قَبۡلَ طُلُوعِ ٱلشَّمۡسِ وَقَبۡلَ غُرُوبِهَاۖ وَمِنۡ ءَانَآيِٕ ٱلَّيۡلِ فَسَبِّحۡ وَأَطۡرَافَ ٱلنَّهَارِ لَعَلَّكَ تَرۡضَىٰ
so [Prophet] be patient with what they say- celebrate the praise of your Lord, before the rising and setting of the sun, celebrate His praise during the night, and at the beginning and end of the day, so that you may find contentment
Qur’an 20:130read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the evidence to hand can offer is indirect. A meta-analysis of heart rate variability and brain imaging found heart rate variability tracked activity in prefrontal and amygdala circuits, which is why it is used as a readout of how well threat responses are being regulated. Whether breaking a stare shows up on such a measure has not been tested. The move itself comes from clinical practice and from how people ordinarily de-escalate.
Thayer JF, Ahs F, Fredrikson M, Sollers JJ, Wager TD. (2012). A meta-analysis of heart rate variability and neuroimaging studies: implications for heart rate variability as a marker of stress and health.. Neuroscience and biobehavioral reviews doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
A held stare keeps both people alarmed, so stopping it lowers the temperature for both at once.
Look along a shelf of anger books and the advice converges: bring the body down first. Mostly what differs is the packaging, so take whichever version you will actually use.
Anger is the most physical of the feelings. It goes straight into the muscles, so talking yourself out of it while your arms are already ready to move is hard work.
Anger numbs. If it is doing the work of a painkiller for you, it will be hard to put down while the pain underneath is still untreated.