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Areas › Anger › The fear underneath anger
This is not about being grateful to somebody who treated you badly. It is about what you do with the information afterwards. An ugly encounter can show you where you are thin skinned, what you are protecting, which rooms you should not walk into tired. You can take all of that and still think the other person was wrong.
We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops (Quran 2:155). Hardship is named as expected, not as a sign that something has gone off script.
البقرة
وَلَنَبۡلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيۡءࣲ مِّنَ ٱلۡخَوۡفِ وَٱلۡجُوعِ وَنَقۡصࣲ مِّنَ ٱلۡأَمۡوَٰلِ وَٱلۡأَنفُسِ وَٱلثَّمَرَٰتِۗ وَبَشِّرِ ٱلصَّٰبِرِينَ
We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But [Prophet], give good news to those who are steadfast
Qur’an 2:155read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
A conceptual account of shame and guilt after trauma argues the two work differently, with shame more often leading to withdrawal and to damage in how a person sees themselves. How an event gets filed seems to matter, not only the event. This is theory rather than experiment, so use it as a way of thinking and not as proof.
Wilson JP, Drozdek B, Turkovic S. (2006). Posttraumatic shame and guilt.. Trauma, violence & abuse doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Reading an incident as instruction leaves you something to do with it, while reading it only as an injustice leaves you the grievance and nothing else.
If what happened was abuse, the lesson frame is not where to start; safety and support come first.
Anger itself is standard issue. Handling it well is not, and nobody is born knowing how.
Your eyes flag a threatening shape before you have properly looked at it. By the time you are weighing up what is going on, the alarm has already gone off.
Being cornered is a trigger all by itself. If you want somebody to come down, hand back a little freedom: a clear way out of the room, a choice about where to sit, some say in when this gets talked about.