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Areas › Anger › What you are actually defending
Any plan that treats anger purely as a skills problem runs into this. You are asking somebody to give up a thing that works, and it is fairer to say that out loud than to pretend otherwise. What is worth naming is precisely what would be lost: the certainty, the standing, the surge. Then the real question is what else could supply any of it.
I do not pretend to be blameless (Quran 12:53). Naming the pull inside yourself, rather than claiming to be above it, is what the verse models.
يوسف
۞وَمَآ أُبَرِّئُ نَفۡسِيٓۚ إِنَّ ٱلنَّفۡسَ لَأَمَّارَةُۢ بِٱلسُّوٓءِ إِلَّا مَا رَحِمَ رَبِّيٓۚ إِنَّ رَبِّي غَفُورࣱ رَّحِيمࣱ
I do not pretend to be blameless, for man’s very soul incites him to evil unless my Lord shows mercy: He is most forgiving, most merciful.’
Qur’an 12:53read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
In a placebo controlled study, a single dose of testosterone rapidly increased aggressive behaviour, but only in men who were already high in dominance or impulsivity. That is one demonstration of a real physiological pull behind aggression, varying a good deal between people, rather than it being purely a matter of choice. It does not show that anger is rewarding in the way described here, which stays a clinical observation.
Carré JM, Geniole SN, Ortiz TL, Bird BM, Videto A, Bonin PL. (2017). Exogenous Testosterone Rapidly Increases Aggressive Behavior in Dominant and Impulsive Men.. Biological psychiatry doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
Something that rewards you will keep coming back until you know what the reward was.
Anger and doubt cannot really occupy the same moment. Anger sharpens everything to a point, and a genuine maybe blunts it.
Say what you would prefer and what you will do, not what they have to feel. I do not like being spoken to this way, and if it carries on I am going to step out of the conversation.
Demanding respect quietly puts you below the person you are demanding it from. You are asking for something only they can hand over, which makes you the one in need.