Once the feeling is actually in the room, ask the plain question: what did you hear her saying about you? The answer is usually where the sting really lives.

What the research says

A developmental review of shame, guilt and pride describes them as feelings that arise specifically from seeing yourself through someone else's eyes, which is why this particular question reaches the sore spot. It is a review of theory and developmental findings rather than a test of any technique, so take it as an account of how these emotions are shaped. It fits the everyday pattern that the wound sits in the imagined verdict rather than in the words themselves.

Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.