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Areas › Low mood and hard feelings › Shame
That means resisting the urge to fix, to explain the psychology of it, or to hurry them along to a better feeling. Sit at their pace. Keep your tone level and your judgements out of the room, including the flattering ones, since praise can arrive as another standard to fail. Over weeks this adds up to something no single good sentence can deliver.
'Did He not find you an orphan and shelter you' (Quran 93:6). Shelter came first and was not something earned by performing well.
الضحى
أَلَمۡ يَجِدۡكَ يَتِيمࣰ ا فَـَٔاوَىٰ
Did He not find you an orphan and shelter you
Qur’an 93:6read it in the library
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
An overview of six main compassion training programmes described the evidence as promising but uneven, and noted how much the content varies between programmes sharing the name. One implication is that the common ingredient is a compassionate stance rather than any particular exercise, though the overview describes this rather than testing it.
Kirby JN. (2017). Compassion interventions: The programmes, the evidence, and implications for research and practice.. Psychology and psychotherapy doi
Strength of evidence: one line of research. A single study, or a theoretical account.
People put shame down in the company of someone who is clearly not going anywhere.
If you find you are carrying more of this than you can hold, get supervision or support of your own rather than quietly running down.
Shame speaks in one flat sentence: I am bad. Notice that it never offers evidence, it just announces a verdict.
When you go blank or shut down under pressure, try meeting it with 'of course I did'. That response was learned somewhere it was needed, and it is still running long after the danger passed.
Shame does something cruel. It makes you want to disappear from the very person whose warmth would settle it, so if you notice yourself going quiet and pulling back, that pull is the shame talking rather than the truth about you.