Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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11 practices

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You do not actually know what they are about to say, or why they did it. Swapping the finished sentence in your head for help me understand costs nothing and changes the whole exchange.

Finishing people's sentences, deciding in advance what they meant, hearing the insult before it has been made: all of it feels like insight and most…

A minuteEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 6:59One line of research

When someone tells the story with every detail, the exact words, the way the door shut, what she was wearing, they are not wandering off the point. The detail is telling you how unsafe it felt.

Steering them back to the summary usually lands as being told their experience is a nuisance. Let it run a while and hear the detail as a reading of…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 6:59One line of research

Those same four dots could have been joined into a cross. You never saw the cross, because the square had already settled.

The second step matters more than the first. Not only did you build the picture, you built one of several that fitted the same dots. So when a tone…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 3:190One line of research

The same cup is a drinking cup at home and contraband in a prison, because the role you are standing in has already decided what you are looking at.

You have roles too, and they are quieter than a uniform: the wronged partner, the one who never gets thanked, the employee nobody respects. Standing…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 57:23

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

One line of research

Think about the last person who shouted at you. Were they angry with you, or were they afraid? The honest answer is usually both, and both is allowed.

This is not about excusing anyone. Fear and anger arrive together so often that reading only the anger leaves half of it out. Seeing the frightened…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 2:155One line of research

You cannot check whether your own view is fair while standing entirely inside it. Being certain you are right is a feeling, and feelings are not evidence.

In a row, the sense of being obviously in the right is the thing that gives you permission to hit back. Try holding your version as your version:…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 22:46One line of research

Their account makes sense from where they are standing. So does yours. Granting the first does not cost you the second.

This is the part people refuse, because they hear it as folding. It is not. You can say plainly that from where they sat it looked like that, and…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 6:59One line of research

Being steady about something does not mean you approve of it, and it does not mean you have dropped your claim. It means you have stopped fighting the fact that it happened.

People hear acceptance and think they are being asked to say it was alright. Nothing of the sort. You can be perfectly clear that it was wrong and…

Five minutesEquanimity and perspectiveMindfulnessQur’an 57:23One line of research

Four steps you can do in ten seconds in the middle of anything: stop, take one breath, look at what is actually happening, then carry on.

It fits inside an argument, a shopping queue, the second before you send a message you will regret. The value is not the breath itself, it is the…

A minuteGrounding and settlingMindfulnessQur’an 7:205Long taught, never tested

If you held back at four o'clock and then snapped at seven, the holding back still happened. A later slip does not reach backwards and cancel it.

All or nothing scoring is the quickest route from one lapse to giving the whole thing up: I lost it, so none of it was working, so why bother. Count…

A minuteMaking it stickMindfulnessQur’an 18:24One line of research

There was a moment when the urge came up and you watched it instead of acting. Notice that, mark the date if you can, because that is your proof it is possible.

People chasing this skill often think they have never managed it, when in fact they did it last Thursday in a car park and never counted it. Name the…

A minuteThe moment before you snapMindfulnessQur’an 12:24One line of research