Practices

Every practice in the library, in one list. Narrow it by how long you have, who it is written for, and where you are right now.

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114 practices

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Letting it all out does not drain the anger off. Every rehearsal of the row, out loud or in your head, is practice, and practice makes the response easier to reach next time.

The comeback composed in the shower, the retelling to a friend that gets a little sharper each time, the pillow taking a beating: all of it keeps the…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 3:134One line of research

Here is an odd one: anger is often a way of avoiding conflict. Saying what you actually need is exposing, negotiating is hard work, and losing your temper ends the conversation.

Notice what happens straight after an outburst. The difficult subject has usually gone. Nobody is asking what you were afraid of or what you want,…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 21:87One line of research

Change the question. Instead of asking what made you angry, ask what threatened, confused or unsettled you.

The anger version of events comes out first because it is the easier one to tell. The other version tends to be closer to what actually happened, and…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 20:86One line of research

When somebody says they were not scared, they just do not like being disrespected, take the dislike seriously. We dislike what threatens us, and that is why we avoid it.

The move keeps everyone's dignity intact. You are not telling a person they were frightened, you are pointing out that disliking something and being…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 70:20One line of research

Looking for a whole subject rather than a single practice? Start from the nine areas.

Repair after rupture

Use your strengths

Your sense of time

Anger, alcohol and the body

Righteous anger and perfectionism

Facing it a step at a time

When anger turns to harm

Your nervous system

Getting assessed and diagnosed

Breaking the worry loop

Staying regulated in conflict

Making it stick

If you catch yourself saying you were teaching someone a lesson, ask what the lesson cost. Were you paid for the teaching, or are you the one still paying?

It works because it uses your own logic instead of arguing with your values. Most people, asked to total it up honestly, arrive somewhere near: I am…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 42:40One line of research

If somebody insists they were not afraid of the disrespect, agree with them. Good, because if there was nothing to fear then the words were safe, and safe things can be left alone.

Whichever way the answer goes it is useful. Either the fear is now on the table, or the disrespect has just been agreed to be harmless, and the next…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 7:199One line of research

There is a difference between being afraid and being seen as afraid, and it is usually the second one people are defending. Worth asking which of the two is actually the problem.

Once somebody can say the trouble is what others would make of it, the whole reputational job anger has been doing comes into view. Often the belief…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 12:53One line of research

Everyone knows the line about sticks and stones. If words really could not hurt you, you would not still be turning over what he said.

It is a rhyme we all agreed to and none of us believe. Rather than argue with it, set it beside the evidence: the words landed, so something in them…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 4:148One line of research

Some anger fires when your image takes a knock: your child playing up in a shop, your name left off something, a correction in front of other people. What got punctured was the picture of yourself.

The tell is the phrase, said or unsaid, that this reflects badly on me. Managing the triggers will not help much, because they are endless and small.…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 12:53One line of research

Being late on purpose, the joke with an edge, the job done just badly enough: that is anger at full strength, only sent by a quieter route.

People who do this often say honestly that they never get angry, and they believe it, because what they are picturing is shouting. The feeling is all…

Five minutesWhat anger actually isCoreQur’an 2:263One line of research

Demanding respect quietly puts you below the person you are demanding it from. You are asking for something only they can hand over, which makes you the one in need.

That is an odd position for a stance meant to prove you will not be pushed around. To anyone watching it usually reads as need rather than strength.…

Five minutesWhat you are actually defendingCoreQur’an 28:83One line of research

Say what you would prefer and what you will do, not what they have to feel. I do not like being spoken to this way, and if it carries on I am going to step out of the conversation.

The difference is small and it changes everything. A demand needs their cooperation to succeed, so it can be refused, and being refused is where the…

Five minutesWhat you are actually defendingCoreQur’an 42:41One line of research

Sourness, shutting down, snapping at everyone: these are as often worry as they are attitude. The person is not giving you a hard time, they are having one.

This matters because of what happens next. Read it as rudeness and the house responds with punishment, which adds to the load that produced the…

Five minutesBreaking the worry loopCBTQur’an 41:36One line of research

If you start shaking or trembling after a fright, or partway through a difficult conversation, that is usually your body finishing something rather than falling apart.

Animals do it visibly. A creature that has been hunted and got away will shake hard for a while and then walk off as though nothing happened. In…

Five minutesYour nervous systemBody basedQur’an 94:3One line of research