Areas › Anger
Anger
Almost nobody wants to be the person who says the thing they cannot take back. The window between the surge and the words is short and it can be widened. That is most of what this area is about, along with the fear or hurt that anger is usually protecting.
What works for this
Anger control, with distress tolerance
Anger has a runway, and the earlier you step onto it the less force you need. The work is in the seconds before, not in the explosion, and it starts with the body rather than the thought.
One move, today
Name the first physical sign you get. Jaw, chest, hands, heat in the face. That sign is your only warning, and noticing it is the whole skill.
What matches
7 practicesAsk the question twice. What do you see, and what else do you see. What do you think, and what else do you think. The second one does all the work.
The second question takes for granted that another answer exists, so instead of defending the first you go looking. Used on yourself it works just as…
Try putting a qualifier on the front of your strongest claims. In some ways this is true. In some ways it is not. In some ways I cannot tell from here.
Jain thinkers built a whole grammar out of that, seven careful ways of stating a thing, precisely so assertion stayed honest. Used well, a qualifier…
When someone protests that swallowing their feelings is unnatural, agree with them, because it is. Then add the part they have not said: it is also necessary, and there are better ways to do it than swallowing.
Arguing that calm comes naturally costs you your credibility in a single sentence. Conceding the true half leaves nothing to defend, and the…
When someone tells the story with every detail, the exact words, the way the door shut, what she was wearing, they are not wandering off the point. The detail is telling you how unsafe it felt.
Steering them back to the summary usually lands as being told their experience is a nuisance. Let it run a while and hear the detail as a reading of…
A story that grips one person can harm another. Before reaching for something graphic to make a point, be sure you know who is in front of you.
Shocking images work because they stick, which is exactly the danger for someone who has hurt themselves before or who thinks about it when things go…
You cannot argue anybody out of certainty, yourself included. What loosens a grip is play: a puzzle, a small experiment, a question where nobody has to lose.
If you want someone to hold a view more lightly, resist correcting it. Give them something to look at that shows them their own mind at work, and let…
Have three or four openers ready before you need them. For what it is worth. Can I run something by you. You might not like this, so give me the benefit of the doubt.
When you are stirred up you will not compose diplomatic language on the spot, so the phrases have to be picked in advance and worn in. Say them aloud…