Areas › Anger
Anger
Almost nobody wants to be the person who says the thing they cannot take back. The window between the surge and the words is short and it can be widened. That is most of what this area is about, along with the fear or hurt that anger is usually protecting.
What works for this
Anger control, with distress tolerance
Anger has a runway, and the earlier you step onto it the less force you need. The work is in the seconds before, not in the explosion, and it starts with the body rather than the thought.
One move, today
Name the first physical sign you get. Jaw, chest, hands, heat in the face. That sign is your only warning, and noticing it is the whole skill.
What matches
4 practicesThere is no single correct account of anger that works on everyone. Keep a few to hand and offer the one this person can actually take.
Some people settle the moment they hear that the body moves before thought arrives. Others need it put as an old survival system, or as something…
One clear explanation is rarely enough. Say the important part again later in different words, and expect to say it again after that.
The thing you most want someone to have in a hot moment is the first thing that goes missing. Reactivity arriving ahead of thought is worth stating…
This is just how I am ends more attempts at change than anything else. It is also less true than it feels.
Temperament is real and some people do run hotter than others. What is not fixed is what you do in the ten seconds after something lands, and that is…
Humans have a long history of harming each other, and pretending otherwise keeps nobody safe. Assume the capacity is there and plan around it.
Saying this plainly is not gloom. If you expect people to be naturally peaceable, an aggressive impulse looks like a monstrous exception, and you…