Lesson 4 of 6 · Give the loss a place
Four acts. Pick one.
Not four. One.
A name. Chosen by you, said once, written once. It does not have to be announced and it does not have to be used again. Naming is the act.
A date. One date in the year that is this child's, marked in whatever way you would mark anything. Some people keep it silently. Some people give sadaqah on it. Some people just do not schedule anything else that day.
A place. Somewhere you can go. A grave if there is one, and if there is not, then a tree, a bench, a stretch of coast, a corner of a room. The point is that it exists outside your head and it has an address.
A person. Somebody told, once, using the child's name if you chose one. This is the one that does the most, because it is the only one of the four that puts a second human being into the record. It is also the one with the clearest precedent. Years after Khadija died the Prophet went on saying her name to other people and sending meat to her friends, and when Aisha said it was as though there were no other woman on earth, he said her name again. That is a report about a wife rather than about a miscarried child, so do not stretch it into a ruling about your loss. What it shows is what the tradition does with a name, which is to go on saying it out loud, to somebody else, long after everybody else has moved on.
Pick one. Doing all four is a way of doing none of them.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The fourth act has the clearest precedent. Years after Khadija died he went on saying her name to other people and sending meat to her friends. Do not stretch it into a ruling about your loss, because it is a report about a wife. What it shows is what the tradition does with a name.
Narrated `Aisha:I did not feel jealous of any of the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) as much as I did of Khadija though I did not see her, but the Prophet (ﷺ) used to mention her very often, and when ever he slaughtered a sheep, he would cut its parts and send them to the women friends of Khadija. When I sometimes said to him, "(You treat Khadija in such a way) as if there is no woman on earth except Khadija," he would say, "Khadija was such-and-such, and from her I had children
Sahih al-Bukhari 3818graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
The same in a second collection, carrying the exchange itself. A'isha said it was as though there were no other woman on earth, and he said her name again.
A'isha reported:Never did I feel jealous of the wives of Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) but in case of Khadija, although I did no, (have the privilege to) see her. She further added that whenever Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) slaughtered a sheep, he said: Send it to the companions of Khadija I annoyed him one day and said: (It is) Khadija only who always prevails upon your mind. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: Her love had been nurtured in my heart by Allah Himself
Sahih Muslim 2435graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading