Lesson 2 of 6 · Grief without a body and without a story
Self blame fills the gap
Look at the bottom of the loop again. When a loss has no explanation attached to it, the explaining does not stop. It just gets done internally, by you, at two in the morning, using no information.
The lifting. The argument. The flight. The coffee. The thing you said. The month you were not praying properly. The fact that you had not wanted it enough at first, or had wanted it too much.
None of that causes a pregnancy loss. Not one item on that list. The overwhelming majority of early losses are due to things that were settled before you knew anything was happening, and nothing you did or failed to do put them there.
One more thing, about the accounting itself. The verse the believers were given asks not to be taken to task for forgetting or for making a mistake, and the report below records what came back to each clause of that request, three times, in the plainest words there are: I have done so. Whatever it is you go over at two in the morning, you are holding yourself to account for something unintended, and that is the exact category the answer was given about. This is not you being forgiven for causing it. It is that there is nothing there to forgive.
Plain information is one of the few things that reliably helps here, and it is one of the few things this course can safely hand you. Ask your doctor or midwife directly what is known about the cause in your case, including if the answer is that nothing is known. Not knowing, said out loud by somebody qualified, is easier to carry than a private theory in which you are the cause.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The verse the believers were given, and it asks not to be taken to task for forgetting or for making a mistake. Whatever you go over at two in the morning is something unintended, which is the exact category the request is about.
لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفۡسًا إِلَّا وُسۡعَهَاۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتۡ وَعَلَيۡهَا مَا ٱكۡتَسَبَتۡۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذۡنَآ إِن نَّسِينَآ أَوۡ أَخۡطَأۡنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحۡمِلۡ عَلَيۡنَآ إِصۡرࣰ ا كَمَا حَمَلۡتَهُۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبۡلِنَاۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلۡنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِۦۖ وَٱعۡفُ عَنَّا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَٱرۡحَمۡنَآۚ أَنتَ مَوۡلَىٰنَا فَٱنصُرۡنَا عَلَى ٱلۡقَوۡمِ ٱلۡكَٰفِرِينَ
God does not burden any soul with more than it can bear: each gains whatever good it has done, and suffers its bad- ‘ Lord, do not take us to task if we forget or make mistakes. Lord, do not burden us as You burdened those before us. Lord, do not burden us with more than we have strength to bear. Pardon us, forgive us, and have mercy on us. You are our Protector, so help us against the disbelievers.’
Qur’an 2:286
And this records what came back to each clause of that request, three times, in the plainest words there are. I have done so.
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:"When this Ayah was revealed: And whether you disclose what is in yourselves or conceal it, Allah will call you to account for it (2:284). Somethings entered their hearts that had not entered before. So they mentioned that to the Prophet (ﷺ) and he said: 'Say: "We hear and we obey." So Allah put faith into their hearts and Allah Blessed and Most High revealed the Ayah: The Messenger believes in what has been sent down to him from his Lord, and (so do) the believers (and) Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear, for it is what it has earned and against it is what it has wrought. "Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error (2:286)." He said: 'I have done so (as requested).' Our Lord! Lay not upon us a burden like that which You did upon those before us. He said: ['I have done so (as requested).'] Our Lord! Put not a burden upon us greater than we have strength for. Pardon us and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us (2:286). He said: 'I have done so (as requested)
Jami' at-Tirmidhi 2992graded sound, albanithe Arabic and its grading
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.
What the research says
What is actually known about the causes of early pregnancy loss, and how common it is. The authors argue its commonness has been used to justify inadequate care, which is worth knowing if the care you received felt dismissive.
Sets out what is actually known about the causes of early pregnancy loss, and how common it is. The authors argue that its commonness has been used to justify inadequate care rather than to improve it.
Quenby S, Gallos ID, Dhillon-Smith RK, and others (2021). Miscarriage matters: the epidemiological, physical, psychological, and economic costs of early pregnancy loss. The Lancet, 397(10285), 1658 to 1667 doi