Lesson 3 of 6 · Mercy is not a mood, and sabr is not silence
Mercy is a behaviour, not a temperament
People talk about rahma in a marriage as though it were a feeling you either have on a given evening or do not.
The way the texts use it, it is much more ordinary than that. It is what you do with your voice when you are tired. Whether you take the plate. Whether you make the thing easier or slightly harder than it needed to be.
Look at how the texts below hold it. The verse puts love and kindness between the two of you as something ordained, not as a mood either of you is required to produce. The report on gentleness describes it by what it does to a thing, adding to it when it is present and spoiling it when it is withdrawn, which is an account of a behaviour and not of a temperament. And when Aisha was asked what the Prophet, peace be upon him, did in his house, the answer was a list of ordinary actions with nothing in it about how he felt while doing them.
That is good news for anyone who does not feel merciful at half past ten on a Tuesday. Nobody is asking you to produce a feeling. The behaviour is available whether or not the feeling turns up, and the feeling tends to follow it more often than the other way round.
Qur’an and Sunnah
The verse puts love and kindness between the two of you as something ordained, not as a mood either of you is required to produce.
وَمِنۡ ءَايَٰتِهِۦٓ أَنۡ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنۡ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَزۡوَٰجࣰ ا لِّتَسۡكُنُوٓاْ إِلَيۡهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيۡنَكُم مَّوَدَّةࣰ وَرَحۡمَةًۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَأٓيَٰتࣲ لِّقَوۡمࣲ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
Another of His signs is that He created spouses from among yourselves for you to live with in tranquillity: He ordained love and kindness between you. There truly are signs in this for those who reflect
Qur’an 30:21
And this one describes gentleness by what it does to a thing, adding to it when it is present and spoiling it when it is withdrawn. That is an account of a behaviour rather than of a temperament.
A'isha, the wife of Allah's Apostle (ﷺ), reported Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) as saying:Kindness is not to be found in anything but that it adds to its beauty and it is not withdrawn from anything but it makes it defective
Sahih Muslim 2594graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
And when A'isha was asked what he did in his house, the answer was a list of ordinary actions with nothing in it about how he felt while doing them.
Narrated Al-Aswad:That he asked `Aisha "What did the Prophet (ﷺ) use to do in his house?" She replied, "He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was the time for prayer he would go for it
Sahih al-Bukhari 676graded sound, sahihaynthe Arabic and its grading
Translation: M.A.S. Abdel Haleem, The Qur'an, Oxford University Press, 2004.